Today, 3oth of January,2009 I catched the meaning of my most recent breack up... to understand how good is to be free. Physically, emotionally,intellectually... This is the best damn thing ever!

Before I never thought about this. To tell the truth I didn`t have any freedom, because of too much care and work, but now..... little by little... I`m getting free from the shackles. I`m not desperate anymore, I`m not sad, I don`t care, I don`t cry... Why should I? Because I havent found the perfect man? May be, I`m not perfect yet, as well! May be it`s time for fun ;) ;) ;)

Unfortunatelly, I have no recent pictures for you, but the weather is horrible and I didn`t have the best time ever. Hope I will have the chance to show you some beauties soon!

Have a great weekend, everybody

Love, Yana

P.S. Today I met the first foreigner tourist for this year - Zack from Washington, D.C. Thank you, Zack! Hopefully you will bring me some good luck this year, I need it so much!

for rock lovers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCZfJ5ai07U

If you are a rock fan and you dont know this band- you are a complete ignorant!

I dont have many rock bands uploaded on my ipod, but I have Kings of Leon`s two albums - Because of the Times and Only by the Night. I sincerely suggest you the second one- the first is just a warming up for Caleb`s voice to burst out in Only by the Night! I believe you will enjoy it!

P.S. If you ever dare to tranclate any of their lyrics, you will come round to the opinion that I am not that extraordinary, outlandish and demented- these guys seem to know what depression, despair and misunderstanding is ;) One of the reasons I don`t listen rock anymore is to avoid deeper and deeper falling into all these feelings - if I do it, suicide is just a step away from me, so DJs, for the present I`m yours;)

pictures

This photogallery made me smile today!

http://bgman.net/index.php?newsid=270

But when you see this you will know much better what I was talking about yesterday:

http://bgman.net/index.php?newsid=114

I always wonder why people cry on funerals? (for the foreigners I must specify something: Bulgarian funerals are one of a kind-people wail, say crazy thoughtless words, exaggerate everything.... a very sorry sight)

In my oppinion people must cry for those who are alive, esp for people with difficult life, such as we all know the Earth is overpopulated with. I dont mean myself-I have two hands, two legs, two eyes, I`m healthy (today it was proved one more time... ok, I am emotionally overloaded, but my body is ok!); I have a mother (some people dont have one); I have a room; I have the perfect child; I have business....... no I dont have, but- hey I think I`m fine. I have my music, I have my computer... I have no love, I have no support from my family, I have no money, I have no fun, I failed like an athlete, like a lover and girlfriend, I failed in my education..... I`m a complete looser, but I know bigger loosers than me! And I know people who have no one of the things that I have- people with serious diseases, with constant pains; people repressed, tortured, abused; people hungry and thirsty...

Anyway I wanted to say that so many people have such a miserable life, why dont we just admit that death takes them to a better place? Who says its bad to die? According to me its bad to live, but... who listens?

I know in some cultures people celebrate the death, they believe something good has happened... it was in Indonesia or... why I never remember facts? I dont know where it was but I greet that! I have been craving to die so many times that... death means nothing for me. Nothing at all can touch me lately. If I die its bad for my child but when a 85 yrs old person dies... why its bad?

And why I feel so bad now? Why does it hurt so much? Why? My head is going to burst in a few seconds, I`m telling you, thats how it hurts. Life is bad, bad, bad.... Dont cry for those who deliver from it, cry for the one who stay! Damn it!

On January,14th I said to certain person that I have a very strong feeling someone is going to die. Well it happened. My grandmother died last night. Thats all! What else can I say?

I must believe in the voices inside a little bit more, but.... who will believe in me?


It doesn`t matter!

The 37 Bible

Do you know what is the best substitute for failed visit to the dentist? A long, exhausting, indulging and completely satisfying cross with your best frend! I`m telling you, this is one of the greatest pleasures a person can enjoy. I dont say "Thank you God!" very often, but when I feel how strong, healthy and filfulled with energy I am, I just cant help saying it. Life can still be beautiful, even after all the good things you have dreamed of, are gone.

Ok, lets get down with something important!

A note to all 37 agents!!! ( I know only two of them and I already warned them about that, but I still want to have my say in the blog!)

I found the 37 level`s Bible, obviously written by another Thirty-Sevener! Her name is Scarlett Thomas and the book is "The End of Mr. Y" This is a pure evidence that I am right!!!! There is another life or communication, or state of mind that is much higher than this f***ing stupid, simple, basic and senceless existence! A common mind! This is the answer dear people, a common mind between two or million people with identical understandings. And do you know what is the definition for love accordind this genious theory ( for non- 37 this is just a fiction, a mental experiment, dont forget it!) ? To die in someone else`s mind! To melt into your awareness! To disappear inside you! To become you! And all contrariwise! This is love! When someone becomes you and you become someone and there is no clash of interests and collisions between their understandings... nothing like that. It`s a complete unity between the minds! And it`s not physical, not at all- it`s a matter of common consciousness. And its not a prosses like the most habitants in this perverted level I live now claim. It just happens- first hour, first day- not any long! And both sides know that, nobody asks questions... What questions, it`s like to ask yourself! You and this person- its not two, its only one. If you like yourself-you like this person, if you dont- he already knows the reason. Speak? About what? It`s just not necessary. Everyone knows what the other knows. To criticize? Only if you do it with youself! Hurt? Abuse? Disappoint? Lie? Do you do this to youself, freak? Than why you do it to your other half? It`s like you do it to youself, dont you understand? This is such a simple, but genious apprehension for the difficult matter of love and relationship! It`s difficult for people, who have never been beyond the level of the physical, dirty and material world. It`s their world, their exsistence... They can read the book and they can even like it, but they will never understand it! They will never know what I am talking about. They just dont have the appropriate organs to comprehend it!

Thats all my dear! I miss you Thirty-Seveners! You know who you are! Though, one of them disappeared a week ago. May be he has found another Thirty-Sevener and have died in her consciousness. This is the best reason to desappear ever- thats exactly what I would like to do, but something tells me he may be in trouble... Hope you are ok, zaiche! BB

P.S. By the way, I am just chatting with a friend of mine, who maybe is a Thirty-Sevener, but I still cant expose him! Niki, are you?

Heaven

Today the Skyes are going crazy! Maybe Gods above celebrate something ... The old people in Bulgaria believe that the last Sunday, the day of Saint Atanas is the first day from the winters last days or in other words winter little by little goes away; the day gets longer and you know, all the bad, black energies are going away, because they can only exist by the time of darkness and misery.



You know I have showed you many sunsets, but for the first time I am going to show you a sunrise. I think its fabulous, though the ugly buildings in the picture. Here it is:

The next one is fulfilled with meanings for me. Do you notice the bright and the dark side? Like the sky is separated on two halves and this is exactly the way it was. I thought that at this moment I am watching meteorology in action- I could see how the clouds were stepping back just to make a room for the sunlight. Like the Heaven was drowing it`s curtains to remind us there is not always dark- soon or late the light comes in our life..... just to disappear very soon after that.

Sorry about this pessimism.Here it is the picture:

Well, in many horoscopes I have read one and the same thing- in my previous life I have been a man, an astronomer. May be, some of you will understand why now I am strong and willed like a man and I always look upwards, to the skyes. I believe this is something nobody can take away from me- as long as I can see, I will always have my skyes.

Thank you very much for reading! Have a day filled with miracles, you deserve it! See you soon!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyUfJVqMtO0&feature=related

One very favourite song of mine. Reminds me that I am not the only one who feels sad.
Have a great week!!!

The next time I go for running I want to take my aunt with me, because I want to see her dead at the point I finish with my warm up. Anyone who have seen her will agree without questions.

Today is a nice day in general, but unfortunately people are not able to control the evil that knocks on their door. I mean I can control it, but I dont possess any doors, to my great regret....

Anyway, that was all I wanted to share with you. Have a nice day and keep the devil away from your house-don`t pretend you cant do anything against, just say "No!" and that`s all. If the person is smart, he will understand you, if not ... why on earth, you still care about him? Do you think this jerk cares about you at all? Think. Think.Think...

without title

Dear friends, lately I find myself in a deep intelectual crysis. I don`t get what I expect from my German lessons, I feel very stupid and distructed and finally I don`t feel that confident with my English like I used to be before. I have absolutely no idea why is that, maybe it`s because of the very low temperature outside and unfortunately inside so my brain is probably working on it`s very low "winter" capacity. May be I need more dark chocolate...

Yesterday I had a pretty nice and completely unexpected experience in my favourite forest in Veliko Tarnovo. The last few days were dark and unpleasant and I felt almost physical pain from the cold weather and the lack of heating at home and in my working place, so my temper was absolutely unbearable even for myself, not to mention that I was horrible for the others around me. Anyway, on Friday I expected just another disgusting winter day when I realized that something has changed. When I saw the sun outside, I felt like I see my love comming through the door saying "Hey, Yana!" He always says that and it`s very, very sweet and warming...

So I was very nice surprised that today may be not like the other days. What a significant changeit was, just because the sun was shining! I didnt had any clients (please hurry up to use my service, I don`t intent to stay in this laundry-shop forever!) and I said to myself "Ok, this is your chance to heal your frozen mind and body!" I got the camera; put all the scarfs, hats and gloves that I could find; locked up the shop and went straight to the forest. You can see what was the suprise for me- pure and genuine winter beauty! My very favourite!

I turned left, than I turned right.... there was smile on my face and joy in my heart for the first time since five days! And I never thought that THIS will be the reason to be happy again, something so trivial and simple- my lovely place! Where I spent hours of joy and desperation; where I dreamt my wildest dreams and where I realized that many of them cannot be real; where I found my beauty and good health; where I cried just before the end.... before God finnaly decided that I am ready to go. To go ahead. With the right person. But it was not until I was with him, that I was fully aware of the truth- yes, this is the right man and I am the right woman, but .... I just wasn`t ready for him, I had juuuust a little more to ripe, I needed to get wiser and to understand some things... I know I still have a lot to learn till I get at my best, but now I know I have climbed the most important height just before the top. A top for two. It`s called Happiness...

Here are just a few from many absolutely stunning and fascinating pictures I managed to capture. Today, Saturday, I was there too, but for a nice jogging (Yes, jogging, not training! I am not a competitor anymore and I never was. Sport is not for me or at least not this sport- its just too beautiful outside to run as fast as I can. I am a sensitive blond woman and untill I enjoy every tree, every leaf, animal or path, I will never, ever be a good orienteer. Never! It`s just not the way it happens. I can`t be blind. But if you ask me, I still prefer to be what I am, instead of being a better competitor at the expence of being careful and gentle to every little detail that surrounds me. Orienteering is a source of beauty and excitement for me, and if I do it again, I will do it just and only for pleasure!Thats all!) Have a great time and enjoy the nature every way you can!

Prost Neujahr!

Dear friends, Happy New Year! I wish you all the good things you can handle, all the love and support from friends and families, and all the success you have been waiting for!


I was away for a while, in Germany and it was so good, so intense and impressive, that now I stay at home speechles, silent and wrapped into my thoughts! What shall I say? "It was nice" or "It was great", or "It was amazing"? I have been saying these words before, to describe things that are not even close to this fantastic adventure and great experience I will remember lifetime.

I cant comment it now, I`m sorry! I stay on my computer all evening starting this post and deleting all written after a while. Sometimes the words are powerless. And senseless. Here you are some pictures instead!

29.12.2008, Leipzig Train Station

30.12.2008, Berlin, Brandenburg Tur

30.12.2008, Potsdam


30.12.2008 Berlin, Unter die Linden Strasse



30.12.2008, Berlin, Fernsehertrum

30.12.2008, Berlin, a Lego giraffe

30.12.2008, a random toilet on the highway to Berlin. Well, I`ve always thought that in West Europe everuthing is great, but I never thought I will be so amazed that I will photograph even their toilets. But how could I miss it, it was a piece of art and it was worthwhile all the ladies staring at me like I`m mad, while I was snapping it with my camera.

31.12.2008, Berlin, Potsdam, a guy working at New Year`s eve "not because he is good, because he is the best"

01.01.2009, Berlin, Neujahr, a nicely drunk young lady

01.01.2009, Berlin Wall

01.01.2009, Checkpoint Charlie, a place, everyone must see! Very intense experiense, absolutely devastating, breath loosing, unforgetable.... without comment!

02.01.2009, Leipzig, my favourite picture after all