the cake of the nature

Beautiful and venomous like me...

I came upon this in the forest I`m usually running. Amazing, isn`t it?

smells like autumn

In today`s running I finally felt that the summer is comming to it`s end. It smellt like a fallen autumn leafs. Beautiful smell. And very sad. There was a thin golden cover on the ground telling me that this season is over.

I usually feel sad when I see this. I feel fear. Fear of the cold, dark, lonely, sad and miserable winter that is comming... The swallows are gone. Have I ever told you we have swallows in our house? Two gorgeous, little nests in our bathroom, which window we never close from april to the end of august because of them. People say that swallows make nests only under the roofs of the good people`s houses. They never stay with the bad people.

I was talking about the autumn. In general it is the saddest season ever, but this summer was so sad for me, that now I feel the comming fall as a relief for the first time in my life. I had 26 autumns so far and lets say that about 20 of them I was aware of and for the very first time I don`t feel sadness and fear of what is comming. I predict It`s something good. Somethind very good. I feel pease in my heart.... and no fear.

P.S. Hope I feel no fear, not because I have become senseless. Hope I feel no fear, because I have hope ( am not sure I have made a literary correct sentence but that is the truth).

olympic games*

Usain Bolt - three gold medals, three world records! Alien!

Tirunesh Dibaba- my favourite female athlete! It`s a great pleasure for me to watch her running- very tidy and elegant. The perfect long distance runner!

Steven Hooker- excellent genetic material!!!

* All pictures in this article are downloaded from http://sports.yahoo.com

sherpa

Have I ever told you I have the gratest job in the world?
What sort of busines can give you the chance to meet someone like him?
By the way I was told if I decide one day to go to Everest to call him... And I was given a busines card.... One of the best proposals I have ever had! Wonderful simple man. He had about 5 missing fingers. I didn`t ask him but I quess they have been damaged by frost.

Fantastic chance to meet this person. Sometimes I feel like Alice in wonderland!

Two minutes later I was cleaning sheets from vomit. It`s the most awful and repellent thing ever!!!And it`s so hard to remove those little pieces of food-once swallowed, a little digested and than thrown up... they are so sticky...
It`s disgusting isn`t it!

Pure Brown Bulgaria Cup

I`m absolutely happy to notify you that Brown Team had fabulous success at the Bulgaria Cup 2008. We just swept them all away! The competition was very much away from the world standarts for orienteering competitions but anyway- the conditions were equal for all the runners so the fight is a fight no matter the circumstances.



We were at the Rodopi Mountains at the region of Smolyan city. Good place but not any better than Veliko Tarnovo. I felt it like that. The forest was good for running- sort of high mountain forest, very clear and perfect for high speed. First two stages I was out of concentration esp the first day. But the third stage was my turn to be number one so total from the three starts I became second in W21-A group. I think this is a good illustration for my condition at the moment. If I was a little better on the technical aspect of the orienteering....

Next year may be. I just need a practice. I`m sure I`m not any stupid than any other women in the Bugarian orienteering at the moment. We`ll see.

I can say that I feel much better than 5 or 6 days ago. Than I reached the bottom. I`ve done it before and I`ve been back on my feet again and probably it will happen many times in my life but... it just hurts so much....

Anyway. I`m happy now. I deserved this joy and I enjoyed it with all my heart!!!

Thank you God! I appreciate it;)


My little angel is a medalist too:):):) I`ve never seen her sooooooo happy!

Good morning, Bulgaria!

11th of August,2008
7:46 A.M.
On the very center of Veliko Tarnovo
No comment!

I cannot believe this is happening to me!!!!!! Just three minutes after I posted my last publication last night I found out that this very person I`m talking about has had an affairs with other girls and the most important is that he has the INTENTION to sleep with one of them on the very next competition we have. And all this information posted, published, and revelated in the orienteering forum that we have.

I`ve never been that demeaned, that angry and that ....... I have no idea how could this be called! Absolute, pure idiot!Don`t know how to comment it. This is like a movie, a novel or... feel like someone will suddenly appear and say: " Hey, don`t worry, it`s over! That was one big joke, ok!"

I know this is not going to happen.

The biggest concern that I have is that probably I will have to quit the orienteering. First of all I`m not sure if I can go to competitions with Kalina, because we don`t have a car and sometimes competitions are too far from any public transport. Everyone else has car or depends on someone who has and that was the situation with me and Kalin. He used to drive us both everywhere. I don`t think there is someone who has two free seats for us.

The second reason is the humiliation. It`s just too big to bare it.

The third reason is that I don`t want to disturb him. He has a behaviour to fallow, to sleep with every cute and horny little bitch he meets, so I don`t want to remind him about our stupid relationship. About the horrible me and the love that I feel.

I will let you know how my life goes on. Now I need a rest.
Hope I am not going to loose my sport! I lied him that I`m interested only by him, but not the sport. I just wanted to impress him. Orienteering is good for me and I love it. One of the very few joys in my life and Kalina`s too.

Anyway I won`t delete the previous publocation! I want everyone to know how much I have been in love with him. And still I am.

MLYAS, MLYAS...

Sometimes I just love myself and the things I do in kitchen! Fabulous crackers! Created and baked by me. ME, ME, ME!!!!!!!
I`m not sure if there are more than two or three people on this world who love me, but I surely know that I do love myself. When I hate myself, I cry. That happens almost every week. Sometimes more often. Like the last two months for example.
Doesn`t matter!
I`m gonna be happy I guess. At least that is what I expect to hear from the psychologist I`m going to visit next Wed.
I think the time has come to ask for some professional help. I`m in a horrible condition at the moment and I think that things are going absolutely out of control.
The point is that I feel like I`m perfect. But if I am pefect, than how come I can`t keep a simple man by me?

The last one is doing the impossible to go away from me ( he says "No, it`s not like that!" ) but I know it and I have a sure evidence about that.

The previous one ran straight to his home in Australia claiming I`m a bad, bad person who hates the gays and the asians ( I swear I`m not a rasist or a homophobe). Obviously he cooked up a reason to escape from someone who is deffinately perfect!

The man before the Australian guy, was just not the proper person for me and we didn`t match sexually.

The one before him was Kalina`s father. Let`s say we just couldn`t stand the test of being young parents, friends and lovers. Plus the money issue, of course. The last 6 months of our relationship were a real disaster so I was supposed to say "That is enough!". Something that hurt him a lot I guess, but I wondered if he ever asked himself what made me do it. People just have to try walk in the other`s shoes for a while. The world will be a better place to live than.

The one before Kalina`s father was good. Very good. I have no idea why I left him. He was the one who showed me what extasy is. My first orgasm I felt with him. I swear, I will never ever forget this moment. I hurt him a lot but those were extremely difficult times for me. I cant even remember this period of my life clearly. I`m sorry- if you ever read this. You know who you are.

Hm, probably I am not perfect. I`m surely not, but I know how much love I can give to someone. So much love... you have no idea. It`s burning me from inside. I have to let it out somehow. Unfortunately, there is no receiver of this love and I need someone to extract this poison from me. The love. It may kill me.

And by the way, I need sex. A lot of sex. Every day- to keep me on tune with the world and myself, because I am a real danger even for myself:):):)

Requirements;
1. Potent. Very potent.
2. Good and careful driver. (And lover, as well!)
3. Skilful.
4. Experienced with children.
5. Blue eyes....

Why do I have the feeling I know him?
Ако случайно не разбираш напълно английския ми, но все пак четеш блога ми, да, става въпрос за теб Калине! Сърди ми се, ако искаш, но единствения възможен начин да ме разкараш, е да ми го кажеш направо. Докато не го направиш, ще продължа да те желая и да се стремя към теб! Каквото и да ми коства това.

hiku

"An apple fell from the tree.
The cat ran scared."

That`s just a thaught. You can imagine what my consciousness represents. An universe of bullshits freaking me out. They never stop streaming from my mind. Never- day and night... "he never stops walking"... I can`t remember the book this quote comes from... A book for children. Have to check out tomorrow. Most of my books are in my mom`s room and she sleeps now.

"... he never stops walking
neither day nor night..."

It was about a little boy looking for something. Like me. I have always been looking for something. To make me happy...

There is no wonder I have problems with my relationships. Who would bear this mind that I have? Mind full of bullshits that never gets satisfied.

Another hiku:

"Burning thoughts.
Empty soul.
Sore awareness.
Fear"



I need a surgeon to excise my mind. And to shape a bigger breast on me.

I will be happy than!

I wonder if?

a new hope for me and this poor thing

I found this little puppy on my way training! He was shivering and whining all alone on the street. I`m not a dog fan but I just couldnt leave him! Good people helped me to take care and "accommodate" him in a house with a big yard. Hopefully he will survive! I`ll try to show you some more picures later if he is fine! Fine means anything but dead:) He is just too young -probably 2-3 weeks old!

I`m kind of fine... I mean I realized something important, because I had serious doubts about the man I`m in love with. First and foremost I surely know that I`m in love after all, because I was getting over the loss of him. I even found a new object for my "everlasting- everstreaming- neverending" love ( I don`t even know him, the second one, just product of my fantasy, of course) but here I am - in love with a real person for... 5 months!

He is not in love, as I mentioned in my previous publication, but he still makes me feel great.I have to give him a lesson if I want to stand on my dignity but I know one thing for sure- this person will keep on freaking me out forever! I guess if he ever stops, that will be an evidense that I don`t love him anymore.

I can count thousands of reasons why I want him and can`t get through him but It`s just too personal. You have no idea how personal it may be;)

Lets say he is like a lovely, wild colt that can never be catched and tamed, but that is not a reason to stop longing for him. He has no idea what I`m getting through because of him!

Man... Bulgarian man...

And one more thing - only a woman in love can offer herself expecting nothing in return. In the songs you can come across this as "no strings attached"- no conditions, no restrictions, nothing... He just has to exist! That is the case with me, my friends, he exists and I adore him. That`s all!

He doesn`t want to commit, I guess. This is the resaon. No chance for me, "no heaven for the lonely"!*

* Bryan Adams

P.S. That is a shame! I have to post a serious publication at last! I`m turning into a chicklit character! Absolutely disgusting!

let the sun go down on me!

one big hope...

one big compromise...

one big disappointment...

I licked the dust... because I fell in love...

Once I was told there are people who never feel love. They can live with someone, take a care, but they confess they have no idea what love is. This is absolutely true. Like people who cant read properly or people who never feel fear or guilt. It`s not their fault.

But it`s not fair to live in a lie with someone. That is cruel. Nobody deserves such thing, nobody.

I used to have a relationship with a person I wasn`t in love with. I was in the beginning, of course but he gave me some reasons to fall out of this love and what happened later was that I had to proseed or put an end of our relationship. I proseeded it but I had to admit to him that I am not in love anymore and it`s up to him to decide if he wants to be with me or not. He wanted to. And I was. And it was a good and wholesome relationship, though we had really hard moments. The point is that I was honest with him and i`m proud of that. Anybody who wants to may judge me- I don`t care. I did the right thing.

Now I feel a victim of someone who didn`t tell me that. It`s very abusive but definitely not something I can`t get along with.

It wasn`t a wholesome relationship anyway...