First and foremost- Merry Christmas everyone! I wish you all the good things you can imagine! Good health, easy life, a lot of love and understanding!
Second, let me tell you the truth- if you have been bad and naughty during the year, now its too late to "play the angel"! Dont push yourself too hard to play good and submissive! God already knows everything about you!
I consider, the fake believers, who are good only "for the occasion" are bigger sinners than people who dont believe in the Christian faith at all! I mean- please, people, be honest! Honest to you, to God, to the people close to you! This is the best advice I can give you now, on this special eve, dont be imposters today or tomorrow or the day after tomorrow! Never! It`s just not worthwile! Soon or late the truth comes out so ... You can at least save yourself the shame and confusion when the truth appears!
The big idea tonight is to be good, but if you are good only tonight- it just doesn`t count, so... be good tomorrow too! Please, for me!
Wish you the best presents ever!
I love you and miss you all! Yana
сряда, 24 декември 2008 г.
събота, 20 декември 2008 г.
I dedicate this to my mama...
Dear mama,
When a person is stupid, it`s usually for lifetime! You are hopeles!
I know you hate the day I was born, but believing or not IT IS NOT MY FAULT! It`s your own personal fault!
.............................................
I know she will never read this, but I still want to say it.
Excuse me, for the stupid article, I wont do it again! I promise.
And if you don`t understand how is this possible it means only one thing- you are one very, very lucky person. To have good parents or to have parents at all, has an ENORMOUS meaning in human`s life. It means that if you have 200 meters running competition, when you have beloving parents you are at the start line. But if you are like me, with one emotional and physical invalid parent, you are positioned 100 meters behind the start. Is this fair? I`m asking you, God, nature, society, whole world... Is it fair?
But let me tell you something- people like me usually beat the world record, even they start 100 meters behind the others. How it happens, I dont know, but I know that in my own personal moral code, being a bad parent to your children is sin Number ONE. Sin number two is to kill wild animals; number three- to be weak-willed and stupid; four- neglect to your body; five- dirty; six- to be a student in a Bulgarian university, seven-to misuse people who are in love with you; eight- to be self-sufficient; nine- to eat junk- food and ten..... to trust doctors, politicians and preachers. They dont even notice you, believe me!
Well, are you sinners?
When a person is stupid, it`s usually for lifetime! You are hopeles!
I know you hate the day I was born, but believing or not IT IS NOT MY FAULT! It`s your own personal fault!
.............................................
I know she will never read this, but I still want to say it.
Excuse me, for the stupid article, I wont do it again! I promise.
And if you don`t understand how is this possible it means only one thing- you are one very, very lucky person. To have good parents or to have parents at all, has an ENORMOUS meaning in human`s life. It means that if you have 200 meters running competition, when you have beloving parents you are at the start line. But if you are like me, with one emotional and physical invalid parent, you are positioned 100 meters behind the start. Is this fair? I`m asking you, God, nature, society, whole world... Is it fair?
But let me tell you something- people like me usually beat the world record, even they start 100 meters behind the others. How it happens, I dont know, but I know that in my own personal moral code, being a bad parent to your children is sin Number ONE. Sin number two is to kill wild animals; number three- to be weak-willed and stupid; four- neglect to your body; five- dirty; six- to be a student in a Bulgarian university, seven-to misuse people who are in love with you; eight- to be self-sufficient; nine- to eat junk- food and ten..... to trust doctors, politicians and preachers. They dont even notice you, believe me!
Well, are you sinners?
четвъртък, 18 декември 2008 г.
haruki chapter two
I know I made a promise to continue the theme with Haruki Murakami, but it wont be today. Today I feel bad. Not emotionally ( what a surprise), but physically. Have you ever felt fear you can loose your life? To tell you the truth, I don`t find death scary, but when you have things to do on this Earth and a little bell rings to remind you you are only a visitor here.... brrrrrr- that is scary! To die may be a good option sometimes ( I completely realize what I`m saying at the moment!!!) but when the person is ready to die. I mean old enough, suffering from a serious desease, pain, desperation... I can count you many justified reasons to die and I believe its as normal as to be born, but if you have a great promising future and a 7yrs old child..... things are getting a little more complicated. It is definitely not a right time to die I think....
Ok, I wont die now ( by the way who knows when we all will die) but thoughts like this are tumbling in my head today and because this is supposed to be something like a diary I feel free to publish my thoughts.... Today I came upon on a lovely comparison in the book Im reading, of course by Haruki Murakami. So listen: one of his characters writes a letter to an old friend of his own and says something like " I feel that the older I get, the more inperfect I feel! I am full with negatives and sins and as the time goes by, I get worse and worse person than before- like there are hens inside me and they represent my negatives. These hens lay eggs and from these eggs chickens are being incubated. And in this progression the bad things in me grow up with the time!" Of course I must ask for your apologies because at the moment I dont remember the words exactly ( the book is at work and now I lay in my bed at home) and what I remember cant be translated very accurate because my vocabulary is not as good as the translators one. I just hope you got the idea of these words. My point was that I feel something like that but in reverse: the hens in me represent my good qualities and as the time goes by I get a wiser and better person. And I think this year I had a very plantiful brood( ok, I saw this word in the dictionary and it means the group of chicken incubated together at the same time from one mom)! I mean a lot of chickens appeared inside me, so in September I thought I am going to burst. I lived with this huuuuge load inside me too long, no matter it was a good load in general, and by the end of November I was about to burst out and to loose myself and all the chickens inside... Luckily I found a person who saved us all..... By the way this person tried to help me still in August, but .... a stupid hen layed a few stupid eggs in me and here I am! Anyway, I coped with them. Now there are only good chickens inside.... But how am I supposed to make a difference between the good and the bed chickens at first? They all look nice and sweet when they are young!
I guess I let you a little in my fave`s autor world. Weird, isn`t it? And if it was a novel of his own he should shift the theme immediately, without a single sign... and start a new story about a soldier in Manjuria for example.
Have a Good Night everyone! And to my love I`d like to say "Willkommen in Heim!" If its wrong-please, forgive me;)
Ok, I wont die now ( by the way who knows when we all will die) but thoughts like this are tumbling in my head today and because this is supposed to be something like a diary I feel free to publish my thoughts.... Today I came upon on a lovely comparison in the book Im reading, of course by Haruki Murakami. So listen: one of his characters writes a letter to an old friend of his own and says something like " I feel that the older I get, the more inperfect I feel! I am full with negatives and sins and as the time goes by, I get worse and worse person than before- like there are hens inside me and they represent my negatives. These hens lay eggs and from these eggs chickens are being incubated. And in this progression the bad things in me grow up with the time!" Of course I must ask for your apologies because at the moment I dont remember the words exactly ( the book is at work and now I lay in my bed at home) and what I remember cant be translated very accurate because my vocabulary is not as good as the translators one. I just hope you got the idea of these words. My point was that I feel something like that but in reverse: the hens in me represent my good qualities and as the time goes by I get a wiser and better person. And I think this year I had a very plantiful brood( ok, I saw this word in the dictionary and it means the group of chicken incubated together at the same time from one mom)! I mean a lot of chickens appeared inside me, so in September I thought I am going to burst. I lived with this huuuuge load inside me too long, no matter it was a good load in general, and by the end of November I was about to burst out and to loose myself and all the chickens inside... Luckily I found a person who saved us all..... By the way this person tried to help me still in August, but .... a stupid hen layed a few stupid eggs in me and here I am! Anyway, I coped with them. Now there are only good chickens inside.... But how am I supposed to make a difference between the good and the bed chickens at first? They all look nice and sweet when they are young!
I guess I let you a little in my fave`s autor world. Weird, isn`t it? And if it was a novel of his own he should shift the theme immediately, without a single sign... and start a new story about a soldier in Manjuria for example.
Have a Good Night everyone! And to my love I`d like to say "Willkommen in Heim!" If its wrong-please, forgive me;)
вторник, 16 декември 2008 г.
twelve
Is it really only 12 days to go till I see you again? And do you know its 12 days since we started our new life together? Amazing, isn`t it? I call this day the "First day of the rest of my life", but I guess it`s just the selfish version of the more correct- "The first day of the rest of OUR life". There is no more me, its only us... It`s the greatest feeling ever, I guess thats why people get together in comunities, teams and any sort of groups. Just because it`s bad, bad, bad to be alone! All right, "vorfreude", lets make a deal- let we both do the possible and the impossible, so that next year in this blog to be written something really good, something about the happiness, the beautiful life and... us. Together. 12 months and 12 days after we started. And if it happens not to be good what I have to write than, I only pray that we will be at least much wiser and experienced in this dificult challenge- to set two lonely souls together. But I know it will be all right, because I know you wont give up on us. And I wont too... That`s all that matters.
The theme I wanted to work out today is "my favourite literature autor". Sounds like in school, a? I just want to insert here that literature was my very, very favourite subject in school. Yes! Everyone hated it, everyone! But me. So there is no wonder I still feel much different from all the rest, 8 yrs. after I graduated. Anyway... No, I have to do something- I want to say big "Thank you!" to my both literature teachers- first Viktoria Varlinkova, my teacher from 5th to 7th grade and Iordanka Popova, my teacher in the High School. I thank them, because these two women (very different from each other, by the way), despite of the times and ALL the rules and the anticuated methods for teching which still exist in the most Bulgarian schools, saw the tallent and the difference in my silent, speechless eyes and gave me all the freedom to ... write. To write whatever I decide. After that, they read it and ... stay speechless and silent just like I was. They couldn`t say a thing. Nothing. I dont know the exact reason for that, but I always dare to flatter myself, saying that their numb reaction was a result of my shocking and extremely alternative eyesight of the world. I am still the same, but the good teachers are gone.... Hopefully I found 1 or 2 very good one. I call them friends. And yes, my "Personal Jesus"- Jens ( he doesnt like to call him like that, but he is very busy now, so hopefully he wont read this;)) So they are the one I shower with my shocking and extremely alternative points of view about this world, life, nature, me, them... all, that most people dont even notice. Or just deny and reject. The easiest thing a human being can do.
So my point tonight is called Haruki Murakami, but because I already wrote an impossibly long article I have to stop and go on tomorrow or thirsday night. Sometimes I dont know what happens to me. Words and thoughts are overflowing from my brain and I cant stop them. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and it happens- like a flash movie in my head- thoughts, images, ideas... crazy. If I wasn`t so lasy to get up and record or type them, I should be nominated for a Nobel Award by now. I`m joking! ........ no, I`m not! Haruki is not lazy like me and here he is, already nominated! But he wrote his first novel on the age of 29, so I still have 2 yrs to figure out how on earth, the novels are supposed to be written?
to be continued...
The theme I wanted to work out today is "my favourite literature autor". Sounds like in school, a? I just want to insert here that literature was my very, very favourite subject in school. Yes! Everyone hated it, everyone! But me. So there is no wonder I still feel much different from all the rest, 8 yrs. after I graduated. Anyway... No, I have to do something- I want to say big "Thank you!" to my both literature teachers- first Viktoria Varlinkova, my teacher from 5th to 7th grade and Iordanka Popova, my teacher in the High School. I thank them, because these two women (very different from each other, by the way), despite of the times and ALL the rules and the anticuated methods for teching which still exist in the most Bulgarian schools, saw the tallent and the difference in my silent, speechless eyes and gave me all the freedom to ... write. To write whatever I decide. After that, they read it and ... stay speechless and silent just like I was. They couldn`t say a thing. Nothing. I dont know the exact reason for that, but I always dare to flatter myself, saying that their numb reaction was a result of my shocking and extremely alternative eyesight of the world. I am still the same, but the good teachers are gone.... Hopefully I found 1 or 2 very good one. I call them friends. And yes, my "Personal Jesus"- Jens ( he doesnt like to call him like that, but he is very busy now, so hopefully he wont read this;)) So they are the one I shower with my shocking and extremely alternative points of view about this world, life, nature, me, them... all, that most people dont even notice. Or just deny and reject. The easiest thing a human being can do.
So my point tonight is called Haruki Murakami, but because I already wrote an impossibly long article I have to stop and go on tomorrow or thirsday night. Sometimes I dont know what happens to me. Words and thoughts are overflowing from my brain and I cant stop them. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and it happens- like a flash movie in my head- thoughts, images, ideas... crazy. If I wasn`t so lasy to get up and record or type them, I should be nominated for a Nobel Award by now. I`m joking! ........ no, I`m not! Haruki is not lazy like me and here he is, already nominated! But he wrote his first novel on the age of 29, so I still have 2 yrs to figure out how on earth, the novels are supposed to be written?
to be continued...
неделя, 14 декември 2008 г.
back to balance
I was burrowing into my archives for some picture and I came upon this.... Absolutely heartbreaking and adorable. Kalina fell on the floor with laughter when she saw what a puppy she have been. Now she`s more like an young lady...
Time goes really fast and .. I`m very nostalgic today. Probably because lately I closed many doors behind me. Many... and I opened a big one. Very big, big as life. A door that I will step over and the rest of my life will start. It already started... It`s sooo good.
I met a very old friend a few weeks ago, a wise man, and I shared all my pain with him, told him how many things I have lost lately, and do you know what he told me? "This is a release, my dear, a riddance from all that you don`t need! To make a room for something new! To free a space in you heart and soul for the happiness!" These are the best words of consolation I have ever heard in my life! Ever!
And this is exactly what happened. I lost every hope, dream, support and solace I used to have in my life, just to get the biggest happiness ever. I must admit that I wasn`t right for many things all this time. I thought I know answers, but they were all wrong; I thought I know good people, but they were imposters; I thought I know some things for the business- now I can see how naive I have been- where the money are being made, the ideals cannot exist... Shall I go on? I know I am not stupid, I just needed these lessons to get smarter. And I needed all the pain, just know how to feel the deepest pleasure and happiness. It is still to come, but I found what I have been missing all this time. My better half, my better image in the mirror of life. What have been cut before, now is complete. And do you know what was the only thing I was right about? That this is the only thing that I need and it will heal my body and my soul. I wasn`t wrong at this point.
So the result so far in this game "Me versus Life" is 1 : many, but I know for sure, that I can go only ahead. And that I wont lose!
I wish you a fantastic week! There is no song today- still nobody managed to sing out what I feel inside. But I wish you all that you deserve instead, just like I get what I deserve- only the best, nothing more or less!
сряда, 10 декември 2008 г.
If you have nothing else to do, read this...
http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2003/05/24/1053585746715.html
It`s an old article but it`s a long and complete story of these two fellows. Nice story. Definitely my favourite for the moment. And in case you dont have an eyes to notice, let me remind you they look very much alike. Another opened subject in my blog. Have a nice day!
It`s an old article but it`s a long and complete story of these two fellows. Nice story. Definitely my favourite for the moment. And in case you dont have an eyes to notice, let me remind you they look very much alike. Another opened subject in my blog. Have a nice day!
* Picture from http://www.style.com/
вторник, 9 декември 2008 г.
lose control
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPkFeC-kZmw
Hi, everyone! Did you miss me? I had some things to do... good things, nice things... I was away for a while- in Heaven and I spoke with God. He`s nice... if God can be called nice:)
You will know what I mean soon. Today I want to represent you this guy... gay.... Do you know what are the other meanings of this word? See it:
1. Cheerful
2.Joyful
3.Offhand
4.Bright
5.Superior
6. Flashy; Gleamy
7.Magnificently dressed and more...
I wish I was like this or.... as I think now thats what I am actually, especially offhand and superior ... and flashy ;) But I`m still not a gay... so why does it is no good to be one?
Do you know what is the difference between the nice and classy gay and the disgusting one? The same like between the nice and disgusting man and the nice and disgusting woman... Do you get my idea? I am not in my mind entirely at the moment, because I`m thinking about other things like love, sex, wine, cigarettes and Glockenspiele in Berlin, but I`m trying to explain that they are not any different as people, just like we ( the "normal" one) are. I mean close your eyes and imagine a lovely woman..... Now imagine a dirty one...... It awful, don`t you think? It`s the same with the gays- this one is handsom, stylish, tallanted, playful, but like usually happens, there are stupid, vulgar and repulsive gays who give to the whole community a bad name.
I think that I have many things to say about tho one "who have been under the rainbow", so I will keep this subject open. Till than, have a nice dances with Miro and remember one thing from me: to be "normal and like the others" is the ugliest thing ever! I think, this is worse, than to be failed. Be different, be alternative, be yourself, do what you like with whoever you like, live your life- now, taste it, try it, grab it... one day God will appear in a silver car and say to you "It`s all right!" This moment will worthwile all the pain and tears you have cried. I know what I`m talking about... To be a gay is almost the same difficult and challenging like to be ME in this place and in this family. I know again what I`m talking about.
Wish you a fantastic, joyful and successful December! And one more thing- when it`s too painful to bear, it`s closest to the end and the solution. There is a very thin line between them! ByeBye
Hi, everyone! Did you miss me? I had some things to do... good things, nice things... I was away for a while- in Heaven and I spoke with God. He`s nice... if God can be called nice:)
You will know what I mean soon. Today I want to represent you this guy... gay.... Do you know what are the other meanings of this word? See it:
1. Cheerful
2.Joyful
3.Offhand
4.Bright
5.Superior
6. Flashy; Gleamy
7.Magnificently dressed and more...
I wish I was like this or.... as I think now thats what I am actually, especially offhand and superior ... and flashy ;) But I`m still not a gay... so why does it is no good to be one?
Do you know what is the difference between the nice and classy gay and the disgusting one? The same like between the nice and disgusting man and the nice and disgusting woman... Do you get my idea? I am not in my mind entirely at the moment, because I`m thinking about other things like love, sex, wine, cigarettes and Glockenspiele in Berlin, but I`m trying to explain that they are not any different as people, just like we ( the "normal" one) are. I mean close your eyes and imagine a lovely woman..... Now imagine a dirty one...... It awful, don`t you think? It`s the same with the gays- this one is handsom, stylish, tallanted, playful, but like usually happens, there are stupid, vulgar and repulsive gays who give to the whole community a bad name.
I think that I have many things to say about tho one "who have been under the rainbow", so I will keep this subject open. Till than, have a nice dances with Miro and remember one thing from me: to be "normal and like the others" is the ugliest thing ever! I think, this is worse, than to be failed. Be different, be alternative, be yourself, do what you like with whoever you like, live your life- now, taste it, try it, grab it... one day God will appear in a silver car and say to you "It`s all right!" This moment will worthwile all the pain and tears you have cried. I know what I`m talking about... To be a gay is almost the same difficult and challenging like to be ME in this place and in this family. I know again what I`m talking about.
Wish you a fantastic, joyful and successful December! And one more thing- when it`s too painful to bear, it`s closest to the end and the solution. There is a very thin line between them! ByeBye
неделя, 30 ноември 2008 г.
Viva la vida
Wow, things are going fast tonight....
This is a song I fell in love accidentally- I almost never listen British pop-rock bands` music but I came upon this remix and I listened for the words... here they are:
I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own...
Not bad, a? Not at least for someone like Chris, born with silver spoon in his mouth, living always wealthy in the city of Dorset and than London, as far as I know; married to Gwyneth Paltraw ( successful actres, not that beautiful in my oppinion, but she comes from a "poor" family like Chris) having two nice children, amazing career and to dare to talk to the world and the fortune like that.... these people have no shame!
Anyway- take a listen and what else- there is always a blond angel watching over you! Dont forget it, because I did for a while ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KX7sq7pqtro&feature=related
This is a song I fell in love accidentally- I almost never listen British pop-rock bands` music but I came upon this remix and I listened for the words... here they are:
I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own...
Not bad, a? Not at least for someone like Chris, born with silver spoon in his mouth, living always wealthy in the city of Dorset and than London, as far as I know; married to Gwyneth Paltraw ( successful actres, not that beautiful in my oppinion, but she comes from a "poor" family like Chris) having two nice children, amazing career and to dare to talk to the world and the fortune like that.... these people have no shame!
Anyway- take a listen and what else- there is always a blond angel watching over you! Dont forget it, because I did for a while ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KX7sq7pqtro&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nc8wi2rjW28&feature=related
On 1st of May, 2008 the Heaven doors opened and some people have managed to go in, have some fun, record it and came back to show us a video, where we can clearly see some gods playing music;)
From my window, I used to have the most divine view of the world, but some stupid people made an ugly building, they don`t even use, so now I have a pretty small peace of sky to photograph. Here it is from this evening:
I`m pretty much convinced that this is exactly the way Heaven doors open, but so far I always miss this event. Hope I catch it soon!
ByeBye
P.S. Did you notice the tiny new moon up right? There is always a new moon... Every 28 days it appears, clear and renewed to show us there is always a new beginning, no matter how old, dirty, worn out, fat and exhausted you can be! Isn`t it amazing? To my great regret it`s not working with people.... if you are like this- it`s over! Hm... at least I tried..... to raise up again, but... we`ll see... Grandmothers can be cool in the future....
On 1st of May, 2008 the Heaven doors opened and some people have managed to go in, have some fun, record it and came back to show us a video, where we can clearly see some gods playing music;)
From my window, I used to have the most divine view of the world, but some stupid people made an ugly building, they don`t even use, so now I have a pretty small peace of sky to photograph. Here it is from this evening:
I`m pretty much convinced that this is exactly the way Heaven doors open, but so far I always miss this event. Hope I catch it soon!
ByeBye
P.S. Did you notice the tiny new moon up right? There is always a new moon... Every 28 days it appears, clear and renewed to show us there is always a new beginning, no matter how old, dirty, worn out, fat and exhausted you can be! Isn`t it amazing? To my great regret it`s not working with people.... if you are like this- it`s over! Hm... at least I tried..... to raise up again, but... we`ll see... Grandmothers can be cool in the future....
неделя, 23 ноември 2008 г.
Lady Gaga
This week I`d like to represent you this artist:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8d27Hj8Gg9o
Whatcha think? Isn`t she beautiful, bold and sexy? Quite original and eccentric, with a touch of cheap behaviour and dressing claiming "I dont mind what`s on, just let me dance!"Probably she is the only woman in the pop music I can bear at all. And Rihana.
And the most important- she`s mad enough to get under my skin, no matter she has horrible nickname and her genes are result of the unbearable for my good taste combination, between Italians and Americans..... though my background is not one to be proud of too;)
Have a great week everyone!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8d27Hj8Gg9o
Whatcha think? Isn`t she beautiful, bold and sexy? Quite original and eccentric, with a touch of cheap behaviour and dressing claiming "I dont mind what`s on, just let me dance!"Probably she is the only woman in the pop music I can bear at all. And Rihana.
And the most important- she`s mad enough to get under my skin, no matter she has horrible nickname and her genes are result of the unbearable for my good taste combination, between Italians and Americans..... though my background is not one to be proud of too;)
Have a great week everyone!
петък, 21 ноември 2008 г.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsaMyjPCtNM
A beautiful song I`d like to devote to a beautiful person!
Beauty is not in the eyes, my dear, it`s in the heart!
Blind person can find you beautiful, as much as any other who can see...
The melting chocolate on your tongue is beautiful...
The music is beautiful...
The words are beautiful...
The smell...
The love....
All the good energy you possess!
All the sweet words you tell me...
The child that is still alive in you....
Never let it die!
The joy...
The hope....
All the crème we are going to eat together.....
Everything is sooooo beautiful, my zoete konijntje!
I feel beautiful.... and this is a miracle. After all those bitter and sour feelings corroding my heart for years. After all those venomous thoughts and influences leading me only to wrong ways...
Armin is beautiful, being a reason to know you!
The whole world is beautiful!
You are beautiful!
A beautiful song I`d like to devote to a beautiful person!
Beauty is not in the eyes, my dear, it`s in the heart!
Blind person can find you beautiful, as much as any other who can see...
The melting chocolate on your tongue is beautiful...
The music is beautiful...
The words are beautiful...
The smell...
The love....
All the good energy you possess!
All the sweet words you tell me...
The child that is still alive in you....
Never let it die!
The joy...
The hope....
All the crème we are going to eat together.....
Everything is sooooo beautiful, my zoete konijntje!
I feel beautiful.... and this is a miracle. After all those bitter and sour feelings corroding my heart for years. After all those venomous thoughts and influences leading me only to wrong ways...
Armin is beautiful, being a reason to know you!
The whole world is beautiful!
You are beautiful!
събота, 15 ноември 2008 г.
Barack Obama
Remember the dog I saved in the summer? Here he is:
His name is Barack Obama! I have no idea why. I guess not only because he is dark but a friend of ours said that his breed is "Barak". I doubt he has less than 6 breeds in his blood, but at least he got his name. Anyway.
What I`d like to say is that this dog is a very, very lucky one. When I found him he was so hungry, exhausted and full with flees that I hardly held my disgust to take him in my arms. Now Barack lives in his own domain with huge personal garden he goes round about hundred times every day! He has own little cottage (costom made!) and a Personal Jesus in the face of my dear friend Plamen who takes care of him. Food, water, medical service... this guy seems to be born under a lucky star!!!
четвъртък, 6 ноември 2008 г.
Soul mates
My dear friends, let me tell you a story. A story of love, souls and .... features!
But as a beginning, let me define some important details: in my whole complex and complicated personality, I can define three different parts- body, mind and soul. Unfortunately, I can say that these three are always in conflict- my soul doesnt like my body, but likes a little the mind; my body never listens to my mind, when one gives instructions to it- like when I say "Run!" it doesnt want to run, when I say "Sleep!" it doesnt want to sleep, when I say "Remember this word or number!" it doest want to remember again. So my mind considers that, this body of mine is too naughty, too fat and too ugly to be part of the same personality with it. And it`s true- I have never liked myself- the way I look like, the way I behave, my intellect, my skin, my hair, my brain, my feminine forms etc.
On other side, my soul deep inside, considers that this body is kind of ... acceptable, maybe or at least doesn`t judje it`s imperfection as cruel as the mind does, just because it`s mine. And I can say that my soul loves it and I feels pitty about all the cruel things that the mind causes to my body, like neverending diets, exhausting trainings and cosmetics prosedures just to make it look acceptable for its high demand.... Do I have to say that my body will never meet my mind`s requirements and all the three of us will always suffer bacause of it?
And one more thing- my soul is not in a good terms with the mind and the body, blaming them that its their fault that we are still alone....
Yeah, that`s the point- the three of us are alone. And we all suffer- the mind is angry to the whole world, all the time, having nobody to talk with, the body aches for some tender love and care and my soul... my soul suffers the most.
You know I work in a laundry service. And once one of my client`s shirts was jammed between the washing machine`s door and the drum and from the high spinning the shirt was grinded into a horrible shred... Trully thats the picture appearing in my mind when I think about my soul. My dear, lonely, torn soul...
I`ve been thinking about the soul`s issue a lot. Like what it is, where it comes from and where it goes? And it`s pretty obvious to me, that my body and soul have nothing in common between each other and that apparently my soul has inhabited the wrong body on March, 31st,1981. Yes, I do believe it- that my soul inhabits the wrong body and doesnt fits to its settings, like the mind can`t read this format (of the soul) and it`s sending wrond directions to the programs and the drivers and ... it`s one big mess in the system called Yana Dimitrova. Anyway, it`s not important or at least this is not the today`s subject. I had to speak about the souls and that they inhabit our bodies. So after I got to the conclusion that The Soul and The Body are different ( His Magesty The Mind is typing and translating thoughts and ideas from Bg to Eng and backward and stays aside from our story) they must meet and join each other at the time of the birth. And I guess it`s an unimaginable chaos at this place, or bit of the time, or dimention, or as I call it "page" where this sacred ritual happens. And I guess that it`s not very difficult mistakes to happen and the wrong soul to go to the wrong body, like it have happened with me. But I was thinking as well, that probaly souls like our bodies are very different, but at some point they may be alike. And I was thinking through the long lonely nights, when I couldnt sleep and I had to dream or feel fear or joy, or some other feeling or cry, whatever, but I thought that probably the similar souls choose to inhabit similar bodies....
And it makes sence- if they are alike, they will be appealed by the same things and they will prefer similar bodies to settle down and make them their homes for living.
Do you know what does soul mate mean? I hope you know, because I know it too, but I`m not able to explain it. May be if one day I do, I will have Nobel Award for literature. In short it must be similar souls, maybe comming from the same source or family, or whatever produses the souls; maybe the same God must be correct to say, I dont know and it doesnt matter, but on this very Earth where we have about 6 milliard bodies inhabited by 6 mlrd souls it must be a real bliss to meet a similar soul to yours. And I got to the conclusion that if the souls are alike than the bodies are alike. I found out (observing people like an idiot who has nothing else to do... yes I do observe you, I scan every single detail about you, I analize you and finally, I come to very interesting conclusions about you!!!) and I realized that some of the most united and solid couples I know, really look alike- like brothers and sisters have similar pfysical features. And these people are probably inhabited by alike souls... alike souls in alike bodies!!!! Soul mates! These are the soul mates, my dear, do you make it out? Just take a look around in the sea of devorses and partings- you must still notice them, those who we say "made for each other", who fit perfectly together like a glove... "Lovers, devoted to each other forever..." Martin says that.
Here are my friends-couples who became victims of my observation and examination. I trully enjoy them and thank them for being my one and only evidences that I am not crazy. I just see things the other people never notice. And I believe in true love and I believe it`s the only heal for my messed-up body-soul-and-mind! These people are giving me hope that I will find someone. Someone like me.
Take a look at them and compare their features- colours, shapes, forms, smiles, eyes.... see how people made for each other look like. Like brothers and sisters, like people coming from one source, made from one material...
Please, after all, dont forget that they are still a man and a woman and they are supposed to be different, and please consider that pictures doesn`t always show the people`s fascination. And these people have a great one! Thank you guys! Thanks for trusting me and allowing me publish your pictures in my blog! You made me feel like I mean something and I do some important and responsible work! Thank you!
Rumen and Maria Mitevi
Tsani and Lidiya
Nikolai and Stefaniya Dimitrovi
Boiko and Radi
Plamen and Geri
Svetoslav and Diana Stefanovi
Nikolai and Michaela
Ivan and Marina
Petar and Miglena
Ivan and Silvia
And some celebs*
* Photos downloaded from starpulse.com
неделя, 2 ноември 2008 г.
I dont have much things to comment or share with you, but I have some great new pics! Take a look at this "monster":
And I just love this picture! Like I pass under a bridge or a rainbow and after that ritual, I`m a brand new person! And the sheeps are my witnesses in this voodoo magic experiment:)
Have a great week, everyone! I feel so exhausted and weak that I cant do anything but stare upon the nothing... The best of this is that I cant think at all, obviously my brain is tired too, so my nerves and body will have a break to recover! BB
понеделник, 27 октомври 2008 г.
неделя, 26 октомври 2008 г.
Sunday late and not that short post
Check this out! My favourite band with my favourite song ever! And forever! Cant help falling in love with them every time I listen or watch their performance. Please pay attention to the blond, naked guy with the guitar. This is Martin.... The great mind of everything that may be called Depeche mode. Now someone to wipe the saliva running from my mouth. Thank you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShcGwAO9Gnc
And just for the record, I`d like to live in the 80`s. In New York. Or Berlin. Then was the greatest time for this world. Everything important was about to happen. Hope, scientific researches, inventions. Who is better USA or USSR?
In the 90`s the humanity spoils it all. The Americans, The Russians, The Serbians... we....
The darkest period of the resent world history after the two wars. In my oppinion of course. Just see the music from these days and you will understand what I mean. Nirvana, suicides, wars... It`s the moment when people realize that there will be no solution for the AIDS, no easy going to the space, no alternative for petrol... Gross and cruel capitalism, interests, wars, desperation...
Not to mention what was here on the Balkans...
Anyway! See you soon!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShcGwAO9Gnc
And just for the record, I`d like to live in the 80`s. In New York. Or Berlin. Then was the greatest time for this world. Everything important was about to happen. Hope, scientific researches, inventions. Who is better USA or USSR?
In the 90`s the humanity spoils it all. The Americans, The Russians, The Serbians... we....
The darkest period of the resent world history after the two wars. In my oppinion of course. Just see the music from these days and you will understand what I mean. Nirvana, suicides, wars... It`s the moment when people realize that there will be no solution for the AIDS, no easy going to the space, no alternative for petrol... Gross and cruel capitalism, interests, wars, desperation...
Not to mention what was here on the Balkans...
Anyway! See you soon!
Sunday short post
This Monday I celebrate 7 yrs motherhood. Hm. I`m not going to comment it, it will take forever to explain how I feel about it. One thing I know for sure-it`s the hardest and the sweetest thing in the world. And my child is the only one who loves me for sure, so... nothing and nobody else matters.
Have a great week with my fave track from the last week!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PexvLyIVpeI&feature=related
P.S. Sorry I don`t post pictures lately. And don`t write intersting stories. I`m just out of inspiration.
And don`t forget your headphones when you listen to this music. The stereo and the computer are just not powerful enough to blast your brain properly;) See ya!
сряда, 22 октомври 2008 г.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nc8wi2rjW28&feature=related
My adorable DJ and probably his best show ever, along with his mates from Armada selebrating ASOT number 350.
The sets are fenomenal, I have them all. Seven DJ`s giving it to the crowd. Amazing!
My adorable DJ and probably his best show ever, along with his mates from Armada selebrating ASOT number 350.
The sets are fenomenal, I have them all. Seven DJ`s giving it to the crowd. Amazing!
God, please, can I go on a party like this at least once in my life? Pliiiiz!
If I were rich, I should travel all around Europe in the summer, shifting O competitions and camps with parties like this. Why dont they combine them? If I ever get wealthy I will do it. On a special place only I know;)
Btw here it is the best O event ever
Wow, I`ve watched this before, but every time it excites me more and more!
God, can I go to Finland?
събота, 18 октомври 2008 г.
MGMT
Forget about everything I have told you about the good and the bad music!!!
Just take a look at these arousing funky, electro, synth sweethearts!
Why nobody told me they exist?
If they dont behave like Americans, they should be the next Depeche Mode for sure. Remember what I tell you! But they are Americans after all and the chance their tallent to be lost in laziness and taint is very, very big, so enjoy untill you can. Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtUI5MC9tVM
They are two young fellows from New York- Ben and Andrew, finding they have similar intrest in the electro and psychedelic sound, while they are students in the University of Arts or whatsoever. Pretending to be hippies, I believe they belong more to the city and the modern world, than to the beach and the vans. Giving big shit to the world and being themselves (like both folks from Dude, Where`s My Car movie) seems to be the secret of their big success. Andrew defines himself like a modern Peter Pan, while Ben.... I dont know yet, but I am about to explore the Net for more and more information. Being myself is the one ideology I do follow, but yet I havent found a huge success.....
I guess it`s pretty cool to be an idiot and "yourself" in the world of art, but in the "real" world it can bring you only rejection, loneliness and misery. I suppose many young people get to this conclusion some day, when they face the cruel life and the truth that their fairy tail is just not going to happen. Peter Pan is just a fiction, ok? Go back to work! I guess I am at this particular moment of my life- when I am landing to Earth, realizing what exactly life represents and that the fun is over. By the way, where was the fun? I didn`t get any fun! If I ever knew that my 20`s are going to be like this, I should have commit suiside when I was still 18! If someone have told me what I am going to be through, I would never, ever step ahead in this life after school. I am positive about that!
Do you know what these fellows say? "A joke (or a joke song) could be sad, profound, and funny at the same time." Well it`s true guys, you made me sad and profound. Thank you about that!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdxzA0wYBTU&feature=related
P.S. The song The Handshake has absolutely similar lyrics like Depeche`s song Everything Counts. Dont tell me, guys you are Led Zeppelin!
Just take a look at these arousing funky, electro, synth sweethearts!
Why nobody told me they exist?
If they dont behave like Americans, they should be the next Depeche Mode for sure. Remember what I tell you! But they are Americans after all and the chance their tallent to be lost in laziness and taint is very, very big, so enjoy untill you can. Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtUI5MC9tVM
They are two young fellows from New York- Ben and Andrew, finding they have similar intrest in the electro and psychedelic sound, while they are students in the University of Arts or whatsoever. Pretending to be hippies, I believe they belong more to the city and the modern world, than to the beach and the vans. Giving big shit to the world and being themselves (like both folks from Dude, Where`s My Car movie) seems to be the secret of their big success. Andrew defines himself like a modern Peter Pan, while Ben.... I dont know yet, but I am about to explore the Net for more and more information. Being myself is the one ideology I do follow, but yet I havent found a huge success.....
I guess it`s pretty cool to be an idiot and "yourself" in the world of art, but in the "real" world it can bring you only rejection, loneliness and misery. I suppose many young people get to this conclusion some day, when they face the cruel life and the truth that their fairy tail is just not going to happen. Peter Pan is just a fiction, ok? Go back to work! I guess I am at this particular moment of my life- when I am landing to Earth, realizing what exactly life represents and that the fun is over. By the way, where was the fun? I didn`t get any fun! If I ever knew that my 20`s are going to be like this, I should have commit suiside when I was still 18! If someone have told me what I am going to be through, I would never, ever step ahead in this life after school. I am positive about that!
Do you know what these fellows say? "A joke (or a joke song) could be sad, profound, and funny at the same time." Well it`s true guys, you made me sad and profound. Thank you about that!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdxzA0wYBTU&feature=related
P.S. The song The Handshake has absolutely similar lyrics like Depeche`s song Everything Counts. Dont tell me, guys you are Led Zeppelin!
Armin
I just drop in for a while to tell you that after more than a month of searching, downloading and listening of huge amount of music, I couldn`t find a better DJ than Armin van Buuren. He has nice and never irritating sound, I definitely enjoy and like his music, not ot mention he looks great and never wears those gay clothes, the most deejays put on. Very stylish and smart. If you are interested, search for his A State Of Trance live sets in the net. They amount exactly 374 episodes and I`m listening the last one at the moment, from the last Thursday (the day of his show) and it`s absolutely refreshing and instilling with good energy. * http://www.arminvanbuuren.com/
And don`t forget- when Martin from Depeche have been deejaying in the early 80`s, the present DJs have been still in their dipers!
Hm, let me see if I can imagine Armin in his dipers..... I definitely can :) :) :)
Anyway, I don`t want to fall into details but I want to tell you just one more thing- If there is nothing left to loose, put your headset on and... go! The whole universe is yours!
See you!
*Picture from Internet
And don`t forget- when Martin from Depeche have been deejaying in the early 80`s, the present DJs have been still in their dipers!
Hm, let me see if I can imagine Armin in his dipers..... I definitely can :) :) :)
Anyway, I don`t want to fall into details but I want to tell you just one more thing- If there is nothing left to loose, put your headset on and... go! The whole universe is yours!
See you!
*Picture from Internet
сряда, 15 октомври 2008 г.
aaa, some details I forgot to mention
Depeche are comming on 18th of May,2009. Hopefully, I am going to be part of this unconceivable massive orgasm on the stadium, screaming and singing like never before in my life! Martin... I love you and I always will.
Second, I made my lucky number three tattoo. Lovely Depeche`s Violator rose with three magical words on it.
And last but not least... the fortune-tellers never say the truth! Or maybe they do. I am going to get marry on the age of 40! Now I`m 27. Next 13 yrs I can wear my Gran`s underwear and nobody`s going to notice. Who cares what underwear I wear?
Wake me up when my 39 ends... Chao!
P.S 13 years deep winter sleep like a bear... Hope, scientists discover a gadget called Mindreader by then, so I wont have to explain again how I feel and what I want. To the wrong person.
Second, I made my lucky number three tattoo. Lovely Depeche`s Violator rose with three magical words on it.
And last but not least... the fortune-tellers never say the truth! Or maybe they do. I am going to get marry on the age of 40! Now I`m 27. Next 13 yrs I can wear my Gran`s underwear and nobody`s going to notice. Who cares what underwear I wear?
Wake me up when my 39 ends... Chao!
P.S 13 years deep winter sleep like a bear... Hope, scientists discover a gadget called Mindreader by then, so I wont have to explain again how I feel and what I want. To the wrong person.
DeeJayzzz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlYszkgGQdY
Beautiful male voice with sensible lyrics. Finally the DJs realized they can use not only hysterical female vocals in their work, but there are some gorgeous male singers wating to be remixed or featured in DJs songs. I like Tiesto`s work with Kane, Justin Timberlake and this fantastic specimen, called Christian Burns. This person has an interesting story and a "blond" past :) :) :) Once I mentioned that this is how men on 37 look like and I do claim it now officially.
EXCELLENT look and style. And sincerely acclaim men using eye line ;)
Sometimes it`s such a relief to find out he is not that different than you, just the contrary the more alike man and woman are, the more stable is the relationship. And very soon I will produce incontestable evidence about that. No, its not one, but about 12 incontestable evidences. Keep waiting, hope I will collect the material very soon.
Finally this is the song video with the cool guy on it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-uyunenIq4
I dont know what is gong to happen with my blog, but probably I wont be able to post so regularly here, because I am very, very busy with my German lessons and I have to learn very hard. It`s more difficult than I thought it will be. But I`ll cope with it!
Because I want to.
Wish you all the best!
Auf Wiedersehen!
P.S. Jens, if you still read my blog, I`d like to thank you very, very much for being a reason to get down with the German. I am a very, very strong-willed person and I am able to do impossible things, but sometimes I need a reason to start them. So, thank you one more time for making me start it!
Beautiful male voice with sensible lyrics. Finally the DJs realized they can use not only hysterical female vocals in their work, but there are some gorgeous male singers wating to be remixed or featured in DJs songs. I like Tiesto`s work with Kane, Justin Timberlake and this fantastic specimen, called Christian Burns. This person has an interesting story and a "blond" past :) :) :) Once I mentioned that this is how men on 37 look like and I do claim it now officially.
EXCELLENT look and style. And sincerely acclaim men using eye line ;)
Sometimes it`s such a relief to find out he is not that different than you, just the contrary the more alike man and woman are, the more stable is the relationship. And very soon I will produce incontestable evidence about that. No, its not one, but about 12 incontestable evidences. Keep waiting, hope I will collect the material very soon.
Finally this is the song video with the cool guy on it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-uyunenIq4
I dont know what is gong to happen with my blog, but probably I wont be able to post so regularly here, because I am very, very busy with my German lessons and I have to learn very hard. It`s more difficult than I thought it will be. But I`ll cope with it!
Because I want to.
Wish you all the best!
Auf Wiedersehen!
P.S. Jens, if you still read my blog, I`d like to thank you very, very much for being a reason to get down with the German. I am a very, very strong-willed person and I am able to do impossible things, but sometimes I need a reason to start them. So, thank you one more time for making me start it!
събота, 11 октомври 2008 г.
Who would give a thought about the connection between the quantity beer people drink and their ecological consciousness? Well done to everyone in Debelec, the small town I live in, and bad job for the refuse collecting company. Probably they never thought people on this particular street are all alcoholics and ecowisers :) :) :)
Meanwhile my daughter here gets a really good support while reading her lessons! Roxanne is enjoying full rights in my family!
сряда, 8 октомври 2008 г.
family
My adorable brother on the age of 10.
My mommy (left) with her sister and my brother again.
And here with my grandma and grandpa. My grandpa died on 5th of Jan, 1989. I hardly remember him but I know that he has been very amusing person, making everyone laughing their heads off. He even looks like Charlie Chaplin himself, don`t you think?
I shurely look like my grandma. She became 85 yrs old on 1st of October- healthy, slender and alive. I hope for a very long time. My mom is different- she is more vulnerable and unhealthy. I got my mental disorders from my dad. Lank and handsome mad man, born 6 yrs after my mom. I`ll show you some pics of me and him someday. Just got to find them.
I feel kind of calm and easy these days. Don`t know why. I wonder what it is supposed to mean- is it for good or not. You will surely know. Bye...
събота, 4 октомври 2008 г.
Because of the incredible social life I have, I stay at home Sat night and what else but listening music. Guess what? Kylie! Remastered even archaic songs like Better the devil you know and Locomotion sound .... lets say very good. Not to mention her last singles - "She totally rocks!", as on TRL say:):):)
And this video is just.... beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FQhrBOovzQ
Kylie is beautiful. Today I read very fascinating description about her- diminutive! Haha, I never knew that word and honestly I even find it difficult to pronounce.
And one more album of an well known artist with new release- Moby with Last Night. When it appeared in the beginning I could read in the magazines and the newspapers that it`s not worthed and is nothing special, but now I find it the best Moby album. Everything else I knew from him was so..... hard and difficult to listen, kind of gross and dark... But here I fing so much light energie and a pure dance sound, very exciting and possitive, very bright; easy to listen. And sounds like an European DJ. I absolutely love it and definitely gonna listen it out very carefully and with pleasure.
And this chocolate fluffy singer makes me want to hug and kiss her all the time, she`s like a toy- that sweet and adorable. Teddy bear:):):)
By the way I forgot to mention my fave Kylie song- "Love at first sight". Kalina was about 2 when this song appeared on MTV and she used to dance on it! She was absolutely gorgeous!
And the songs I dont like are Kids, because of this person singing along with her (it`s not a sin to fall in love with a monkey, Kylie, don`t worry! ) and Slow. Don`t know why, sounds horrible.
See you!
And this video is just.... beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FQhrBOovzQ
Kylie is beautiful. Today I read very fascinating description about her- diminutive! Haha, I never knew that word and honestly I even find it difficult to pronounce.
And one more album of an well known artist with new release- Moby with Last Night. When it appeared in the beginning I could read in the magazines and the newspapers that it`s not worthed and is nothing special, but now I find it the best Moby album. Everything else I knew from him was so..... hard and difficult to listen, kind of gross and dark... But here I fing so much light energie and a pure dance sound, very exciting and possitive, very bright; easy to listen. And sounds like an European DJ. I absolutely love it and definitely gonna listen it out very carefully and with pleasure.
And this chocolate fluffy singer makes me want to hug and kiss her all the time, she`s like a toy- that sweet and adorable. Teddy bear:):):)
By the way I forgot to mention my fave Kylie song- "Love at first sight". Kalina was about 2 when this song appeared on MTV and she used to dance on it! She was absolutely gorgeous!
And the songs I dont like are Kids, because of this person singing along with her (it`s not a sin to fall in love with a monkey, Kylie, don`t worry! ) and Slow. Don`t know why, sounds horrible.
See you!
the song I wake up every morning with, for more than an year already...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqQLnASxFHs&feature=related
Just flows with the beating of my heart,
very smooth
very easy
the voice
the samples
the rhythm....
do you feel it?
it`s like I hear my body breathing form aside, from above...
like my own angel appears and wakes me up so tender and gentle only an angel can do it
this song doesn`t have a video, though depeche have, as far as I know, about 63 official videos
and there is no accident in that ( there is no accidents with depeche mode )
what kind of visualization can you figure out about this?
a breath? a whiff? a wind? a heart? someone sleepeng probably....
that will be my version of "The things you said" video.
do you know, there is something really interesting about Depeche`s videos. When I started to listen their music, at the beginning I had no idea how the videos look like, at least not all of them. And when I found and looked over them one after another, I realized that all the fantasies and the images appearing in my head listening of this music are very similar to the images of the real videos. Ok, it`s not a good sentence but I`ll leave it, God speed someone understands what I want to say. What I mean is when I just listen a song, without to watch it`s video, especially for more than a few times, I kind of imagine how eventually it`s video will look like. And very often the scenarios and the images I have in my mind, match exactly with those from the video itself. And that happend few times with Depeche`s videos. For example, I used to listen "Only when a loose myself" for a very, very long time before I find out what the video is like.
I was so surprised to understand, that the image of the Death that I had in my mind, appears very clear in the video itself!!! I mean I imagined absolutely different people and places but it was about the Death yet! And that happened with other videos as well, like Strangelove (my number one song) and Policy of truth (my number two song). Number three is Shake the desease (it tears my heart) and than .... about 19 album fulfilled with bits of perfection, understanding and relief for my soul. That music kept me alive through the most horrible moments of my life. I am not going to describe them, everyone has problems and stories to tell, but I`d like to appoint that this is my treatment- listening Depeche.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqQLnASxFHs&feature=related
Just flows with the beating of my heart,
very smooth
very easy
the voice
the samples
the rhythm....
do you feel it?
it`s like I hear my body breathing form aside, from above...
like my own angel appears and wakes me up so tender and gentle only an angel can do it
this song doesn`t have a video, though depeche have, as far as I know, about 63 official videos
and there is no accident in that ( there is no accidents with depeche mode )
what kind of visualization can you figure out about this?
a breath? a whiff? a wind? a heart? someone sleepeng probably....
that will be my version of "The things you said" video.
do you know, there is something really interesting about Depeche`s videos. When I started to listen their music, at the beginning I had no idea how the videos look like, at least not all of them. And when I found and looked over them one after another, I realized that all the fantasies and the images appearing in my head listening of this music are very similar to the images of the real videos. Ok, it`s not a good sentence but I`ll leave it, God speed someone understands what I want to say. What I mean is when I just listen a song, without to watch it`s video, especially for more than a few times, I kind of imagine how eventually it`s video will look like. And very often the scenarios and the images I have in my mind, match exactly with those from the video itself. And that happend few times with Depeche`s videos. For example, I used to listen "Only when a loose myself" for a very, very long time before I find out what the video is like.
I was so surprised to understand, that the image of the Death that I had in my mind, appears very clear in the video itself!!! I mean I imagined absolutely different people and places but it was about the Death yet! And that happened with other videos as well, like Strangelove (my number one song) and Policy of truth (my number two song). Number three is Shake the desease (it tears my heart) and than .... about 19 album fulfilled with bits of perfection, understanding and relief for my soul. That music kept me alive through the most horrible moments of my life. I am not going to describe them, everyone has problems and stories to tell, but I`d like to appoint that this is my treatment- listening Depeche.
сряда, 1 октомври 2008 г.
first BG entrance in my ipod- that deserves attention
All right now, put you headset on and play...THIS
http://respect-bg.com/
Absolute impact!!!
I have never been a big hip- hop fan but cannot miss this through my ears just like that. It`s just perfect- decent lyrics, good sample, good mix, good sound, acceptable video and nice looking talented guys. What else do you need? The style is wrong, but who knows what is right and what is not? And by the way, they are professionals. And Bulgarians after all. Exellent.
http://respect-bg.com/
Absolute impact!!!
I have never been a big hip- hop fan but cannot miss this through my ears just like that. It`s just perfect- decent lyrics, good sample, good mix, good sound, acceptable video and nice looking talented guys. What else do you need? The style is wrong, but who knows what is right and what is not? And by the way, they are professionals. And Bulgarians after all. Exellent.
понеделник, 29 септември 2008 г.
петък, 26 септември 2008 г.
level 34, chapter two
No doubt, on 34 is full of strangers and newcommers. Just take a look arround and see how many people behave unadequate! ALMOST EVERYONE!!!!!
The point is most of these people come from level - (minus) 300! It`s still 1562 year there! That`s why they behave like aborigines. People from higher level, like me, just keep silence. And cry humbly... What else can I do? There is no way out from here.
Have you heard that earth is the hell itself? That we are already in hell? That makes sense along with my theory that we are all strangers here comming from various different worlds! That`s is why we are so incompatible. White, dark, tall, short, beautiful, ugly, smart, stupid, ahtletic, fat, depressive, optimistic... Everyone here is so different. But after all we still have a chance to find people who are just like us, who come from our place. But it`s so hard for me to find other inhabitants from my page. Sometimes I think that I am the only sinner on 37!!! I wonder what is that horrible thing I have done to be punnished like that, to be thrown out here from there.
By the way I am still a bad person. Probably I am here to heal from that. But I dont see myself getting any better .... I`m getting even worse. I`m stuck here forever... with those from -300...
Today I abused so many people and I said so many words I didn`t wanted to, that now I feel like a criminal. I was bad at home, so I am not looking forward to go home; I was bad at work, so I don`t want to stay here anymore; everything goes wrong and there is no place to go and no person to talk with... It all went wrong today. Now I`m drinking wine ( (!!!) imagine how lokal I am turning into!!!), eating bad mozzarela (on my level they make it soft and fresh, here is like yellow cheese) and last but not lest I am trying to clear out my dirty conscious typing down all my sins on this blog. Unsuccessfully.
Someday I will confess all my sins here. Probably soon. There is no wonder people in Finland kill themselves so often. And get drunk every day - the bad weather makes me do this all the time!
The point is most of these people come from level - (minus) 300! It`s still 1562 year there! That`s why they behave like aborigines. People from higher level, like me, just keep silence. And cry humbly... What else can I do? There is no way out from here.
Have you heard that earth is the hell itself? That we are already in hell? That makes sense along with my theory that we are all strangers here comming from various different worlds! That`s is why we are so incompatible. White, dark, tall, short, beautiful, ugly, smart, stupid, ahtletic, fat, depressive, optimistic... Everyone here is so different. But after all we still have a chance to find people who are just like us, who come from our place. But it`s so hard for me to find other inhabitants from my page. Sometimes I think that I am the only sinner on 37!!! I wonder what is that horrible thing I have done to be punnished like that, to be thrown out here from there.
By the way I am still a bad person. Probably I am here to heal from that. But I dont see myself getting any better .... I`m getting even worse. I`m stuck here forever... with those from -300...
Today I abused so many people and I said so many words I didn`t wanted to, that now I feel like a criminal. I was bad at home, so I am not looking forward to go home; I was bad at work, so I don`t want to stay here anymore; everything goes wrong and there is no place to go and no person to talk with... It all went wrong today. Now I`m drinking wine ( (!!!) imagine how lokal I am turning into!!!), eating bad mozzarela (on my level they make it soft and fresh, here is like yellow cheese) and last but not lest I am trying to clear out my dirty conscious typing down all my sins on this blog. Unsuccessfully.
Someday I will confess all my sins here. Probably soon. There is no wonder people in Finland kill themselves so often. And get drunk every day - the bad weather makes me do this all the time!
понеделник, 22 септември 2008 г.
Cookie Jar
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrjRj4uQQ1o
Take a look at these fellows! They are just soooooooooo.... sweet! And hot!
They remind me of Outcast- very cute and smart and far from their low-minded brodas.
This is a sexy, sweet song for smooth, lightly drunk seducing dances!
Have a great week everyone!!! This song is for you!!!
And happy 50 outminded stories!!!
Hope see you at number 100!!!
Have to make a party!!!
Can`t keep my heands ma heands ma heands........
Take a look at these fellows! They are just soooooooooo.... sweet! And hot!
They remind me of Outcast- very cute and smart and far from their low-minded brodas.
This is a sexy, sweet song for smooth, lightly drunk seducing dances!
Have a great week everyone!!! This song is for you!!!
And happy 50 outminded stories!!!
Hope see you at number 100!!!
Have to make a party!!!
Can`t keep my heands ma heands ma heands........
неделя, 21 септември 2008 г.
Today was pretty calm on page number 34. I found another stranger here. I have always had anticipations about this person if he comes from my page and feels stranger here, but today I completely exposed him!
Let me think if I know more ppl foreigners here......
Yes, I know a lot, but nobody else from 37. I know some from 36. I call them friends.
Today I was thinking that my mom probably belongs to 34. She shurely does and that makes me really sad, because I love her so much, but I can`t contact with her the right way. She doesn`t think the way I do. Her brain works different way. She has been suffering all her life and now when I can make her life easier, she just says "I can`t accept that help". I can`t conceive why. Does she feels that she doesn`t deserve this help? I still can`t forgive her some things... things that people from 34 do to their children.
I was thinking as well from which level Kalina comes from. She is still so young and her conscious is still unriped to deside. Do you know that I can read her whole world in her eyes? When I ask her a question and see her, it`s not even necessary to listen what she says- I already know everything. Brrrrrrr! That makes me shiver! It is an incredibble power I have over her! It so cruel to think that it`s possible to misuse with it. I know some parents do it with no scruples...
Doesn`t matter! As long as I am alive, this child will be happy and fine. Everything else has no matter now.
There she is.... with mustashes :) :) :)
събота, 20 септември 2008 г.
another sunset
Hehe, look what a wonderfull view I have from the window of my bathroom. Seems like I live in Colorado or something. The bathroom doesn`t worth anything but the view...Anyway, I`m happy I found a good picture for my new article. Lately I have lack of inspiration, materials to write about and pictures as well. You can see that I am not very efficient.
Today I made a good training. As I say good I mean that I felt good but the training doesnt worth a thing. I run like a phlegm - slowly, apathetic, almost lethargical. Like a snail. I`m running one killometer for more than 6 minutes and this comes to show that in general I dont run at all. But I just cant move any faster. And why should I? Who cares if I do? What is the sense of that? My body just gives up after my mind did it. I`m sure about that. My pulse is not even getting any higher than 170-176. This is nothing. Absolutely nothing! Like half of my body is asleep, not working at all.
I do not find physical or emotional reason to do anything at all. I give up. I dont want to play, as kids say. I quit.
Do you know that theory claiming that the world has million dimensions and everything happens million times but on a different levels? That life goes on and on million times one after another but probaly with a slight differense, and the space is organized like the pages of a book? And people want to jump from one dimension to another? Do you know that theory? Hope you do, because I`m not very good explaining physics and science but anyway, sometimes I think that I live on the wrong page. Not to mention that even the chapter may be wrong... but I feel that something is kind of weird and unfamiliar, and like it`s fine in general, and life is good but... isn`t it the wrong level I live in? Something little but significant is disturbing my conscious and even my body, because every time when a doctor or a dentist, or a hairstylist, or someone like that tries to make any sort of intervention on me, something goes really wrong immediately. Like when you meddle with two forks in a plugged in machine and any second from now you will be striked by the electricity. The point is that these fellows here have absolutely no idea what they are doing, like they think that everything they do is fine and correct, like it`s written in a manual book to do exactly this particular action ( to meddle with two forks in a machine plugged in). In the page (world) they live in actually, this is exactly what they should do and they will repair the machine ( my body). BUT on my very page (world) this very particular action leads to an immediate electricity stroke but with the simple detail that not the person, but the machine (my body) gets broken and stroked. Do you understand what I mean? At first sight, my body is like the other people`s but in fact, it is very much not. Like my cells are organized in a different way. Like people`s bodies are organized on the page (world) I should live in. Do you get the idea? People from page 34 and those from 35 are absolutely alike with a very slight gifference. From 34 and 36 we can find distinctions, if we do our best to search for one, but people from page 34 and 37 for example, are already very different and you can see it with naked eye. People from 34 and 444 are uncompatible. It`s on the principal of accumulation, like heaping slight differences one after another, you can graduate a huge difference. Lets say I`m from page 37 and this world here is 34. We are different as the thickness of two pages ( 1/3 from the millimetre) but this distinction causes a lot of damage to me and my body in the daily round.
Do you got the idea of my misery and where it comes from? I am not complaining from anything but ... please let me get out of here!!! I am gonna die very soon if everything goes like that in future. I am not joking! It`s like to put a riverwater fish in a saltwater. It`s a fish and it`s a water but the fish is still going to die...
This article itself is a piece of evidence, that I am off my mind. Only a sick brain can give a birth of this...
понеделник, 15 септември 2008 г.
first day at school
Here I have a school girl! Let`s see what will turn out from that! The school was such a nightmare for me in the beginning, that I feel almost pitty about my lovely girl. She doesn`t seem scared or worried about it and she knows almost everything as an essential from the material for first grade, so I`m almost sure there will be no problem at all, but... It is a difficult part of people`s life. Hope she will find good friends and good teachers as well. I wish her all the best! I love you, my little ... bun! That`s how I call her. Bun with marmalde. Souds better on Bulgarian:)By the way, do I look like very serious lady on ages? I think that is exactly how I look like. Old and serious. Blyax!
неделя, 14 септември 2008 г.
http://www.robertgesink.nl/
ha-ha, look who gripped my attention as I was watching the "Vuelta" today. I found a lot in the net about my new favourite from the Rabobank team cyclists after the unfortunate Michael Rasmussen`s career end. He was my absolutely number one and since he was suspended from the team and the Tour de France last year, I was looking for a new favourite in vain for more than an year. Here I found my new one. I read his blog and I liked it because it is not purely for sport, as a professional cyclist`s blog could be, but it is non-commited and easy go read. I found the style similar to mine, so I`m surely attracted.
By the way I want to know (not that this is an issue for me) but how come all the cool guys I know or I am appealed to, are born long after me? I have an explanation but it`s quite long to write it up now. In short, it`s something about the times my generation is born. I mean men born between 1973/4 and 1981 for example. The most horrible experience I have had is with guys born 1978.
Don`t mess with them, girls. There must have been something really disgusting in the air that year. Complete bull shits are they....
Sorry if you are born that year but if you have even a slight idea what these people put me through, you will forgive me immediately!
Anyway, I wanted to say that my impression from younger men is much better than the impression I have from those on my ages. It`s not necessary to be correct, of course.
Chao, as this cute bloke says:):):)
ha-ha, look who gripped my attention as I was watching the "Vuelta" today. I found a lot in the net about my new favourite from the Rabobank team cyclists after the unfortunate Michael Rasmussen`s career end. He was my absolutely number one and since he was suspended from the team and the Tour de France last year, I was looking for a new favourite in vain for more than an year. Here I found my new one. I read his blog and I liked it because it is not purely for sport, as a professional cyclist`s blog could be, but it is non-commited and easy go read. I found the style similar to mine, so I`m surely attracted.
By the way I want to know (not that this is an issue for me) but how come all the cool guys I know or I am appealed to, are born long after me? I have an explanation but it`s quite long to write it up now. In short, it`s something about the times my generation is born. I mean men born between 1973/4 and 1981 for example. The most horrible experience I have had is with guys born 1978.
Don`t mess with them, girls. There must have been something really disgusting in the air that year. Complete bull shits are they....
Sorry if you are born that year but if you have even a slight idea what these people put me through, you will forgive me immediately!
Anyway, I wanted to say that my impression from younger men is much better than the impression I have from those on my ages. It`s not necessary to be correct, of course.
Chao, as this cute bloke says:):):)
петък, 12 септември 2008 г.
I am a monster!
I spent the last 3 hours of my life searching for a song called Silence.
Delerium feat Sarah McLachlan ( Niels van Gogh vs. Thomas Gold remix) if I have to be accurete to the very last!
That`s it! I heard a little part of this song in a huge Dj M.I.K.E. set and little by little I found it. Dont ask me how! I looked over probably hundred of tracklists before I got it!
The point is that I got it;)
I believe it`s gonna be one of my very fave songs in future. I`ll download every single piece of torrent with this song!
Anyway-It`s one small but sweet victory!
Lately I feel like hell but doesnt matter. I cry, I feel pain, disappointmen, anger, sorrow....
I cant even listen my favourite music properly because of my ear. Yes, I have pain in my ear.... Along with all the other physical and emotional aches that I have. But if I ever have an ear again I will burst it with music. A lot of trance and my-one-and-only-favourite-for-life-depeche-mode-music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And if I ever see a man (from a close range) I will have sex. A lot of sex!
Now I have to suffer with my missing tooth (or the hole that`s left), my sore throat and my painful ear. Yes!
P.S. In those psycho-books that I have (Deepak Chopra`s for example) it`s written to think positive;)
I AM VERY POSITIVE NOW, DEEPAK! VERY POSITIVE!!!I AM THE MOST POSITIVE PERSON YOU HAVE EVER HEARD ABOUT!!! ...... JERK!
I spent the last 3 hours of my life searching for a song called Silence.
Delerium feat Sarah McLachlan ( Niels van Gogh vs. Thomas Gold remix) if I have to be accurete to the very last!
That`s it! I heard a little part of this song in a huge Dj M.I.K.E. set and little by little I found it. Dont ask me how! I looked over probably hundred of tracklists before I got it!
The point is that I got it;)
I believe it`s gonna be one of my very fave songs in future. I`ll download every single piece of torrent with this song!
Anyway-It`s one small but sweet victory!
Lately I feel like hell but doesnt matter. I cry, I feel pain, disappointmen, anger, sorrow....
I cant even listen my favourite music properly because of my ear. Yes, I have pain in my ear.... Along with all the other physical and emotional aches that I have. But if I ever have an ear again I will burst it with music. A lot of trance and my-one-and-only-favourite-for-life-depeche-mode-music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And if I ever see a man (from a close range) I will have sex. A lot of sex!
Now I have to suffer with my missing tooth (or the hole that`s left), my sore throat and my painful ear. Yes!
P.S. In those psycho-books that I have (Deepak Chopra`s for example) it`s written to think positive;)
I AM VERY POSITIVE NOW, DEEPAK! VERY POSITIVE!!!I AM THE MOST POSITIVE PERSON YOU HAVE EVER HEARD ABOUT!!! ...... JERK!
*in a village c I made this amazing picture alled Radovci. Fantastische! With plenty of "die Himbeeren":):):) Yes, it`s gonna be like that! I`m starting German lessons at the end of this month and I am happy as I can be about it. You have no idea how much I have already learnt by myself. See you loosers!!!!!
неделя, 7 септември 2008 г.
pain...
I know I havent been posted for a long time, but there is nothing significant happening in my life to be discussed. But it doesnt mean that I havent had good ideas in my head, I just felt too bad to post anything. I have a horrible toothache! And tomorrow I`m going lo loose one of my teeth:( ................
I suppose it`s for better because the doctor can`t guarantee that if this tooth is healed and filled, it will be fine next 10 or 15 yrs, so I think it`s better to have an artificial one! I think this is quite horrible and repulsive but... there is no other way as the situation was left to go this bad.
I just want to appoint that it is not my false! I am visiting dentist as often as needed and recommended, but they just cant do their job properly!!! They always miss something and there is always something else to be done and when you go next time:"Ooooooo, here we have something....". And they take that machine "just to investigate this littlle thing out there" and half an hour later you are with two hollowed out teeth that "Probably can`t be healed!" And gaze upon you telling: "You are a complete wretch! You dont wash your teeth, you dont use tooth cord and you havent been visiting me for years!!! That is exactly what you deserve!" And the head is being slowly shaked demonstrating his complete disappointind and disgust from your miserable personality!
Of course none of these accusations are true but "here is the result!"- go and prove you are right and you wash your teeth every time. And you left him last time your monthly salary to "fix something unsignificant that bothers me!" And meanwhile a huge caries is destroying your tooth from inside for years under an old, school filling!
Anyway, who says life is fair!
So I`m expecting to see tomorrow these accusing eyes telling me "You, creature, you are going to suffer now for your sins against the the Holly World Dentistry Institution!"
.........................................................................................................
If I am alive I`ll see you tomorrow! Good night!
I suppose it`s for better because the doctor can`t guarantee that if this tooth is healed and filled, it will be fine next 10 or 15 yrs, so I think it`s better to have an artificial one! I think this is quite horrible and repulsive but... there is no other way as the situation was left to go this bad.
I just want to appoint that it is not my false! I am visiting dentist as often as needed and recommended, but they just cant do their job properly!!! They always miss something and there is always something else to be done and when you go next time:"Ooooooo, here we have something....". And they take that machine "just to investigate this littlle thing out there" and half an hour later you are with two hollowed out teeth that "Probably can`t be healed!" And gaze upon you telling: "You are a complete wretch! You dont wash your teeth, you dont use tooth cord and you havent been visiting me for years!!! That is exactly what you deserve!" And the head is being slowly shaked demonstrating his complete disappointind and disgust from your miserable personality!
Of course none of these accusations are true but "here is the result!"- go and prove you are right and you wash your teeth every time. And you left him last time your monthly salary to "fix something unsignificant that bothers me!" And meanwhile a huge caries is destroying your tooth from inside for years under an old, school filling!
Anyway, who says life is fair!
So I`m expecting to see tomorrow these accusing eyes telling me "You, creature, you are going to suffer now for your sins against the the Holly World Dentistry Institution!"
.........................................................................................................
If I am alive I`ll see you tomorrow! Good night!
вторник, 2 септември 2008 г.
divine pasta
No matter how much I hate myself,
No matter how ugly I think I am,
No matter how stupid I am,
No matter how many people I have hurt,
No matter how impossible is my happiness,
No matter what I represent.
I still cook like a Goddess...
My daughter and I think so.
Mad World*
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
Hide my head
I want to drown my sorrows
No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very
Very
Mad world
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday
And they feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
Hello teacher
Tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very
Very
Mad world
*Gary Jules` song
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
Hide my head
I want to drown my sorrows
No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very
Very
Mad world
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday
And they feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
Hello teacher
Tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very
Very
Mad world
*Gary Jules` song
петък, 29 август 2008 г.
понеделник, 25 август 2008 г.
smells like autumn
In today`s running I finally felt that the summer is comming to it`s end. It smellt like a fallen autumn leafs. Beautiful smell. And very sad. There was a thin golden cover on the ground telling me that this season is over.
I usually feel sad when I see this. I feel fear. Fear of the cold, dark, lonely, sad and miserable winter that is comming... The swallows are gone. Have I ever told you we have swallows in our house? Two gorgeous, little nests in our bathroom, which window we never close from april to the end of august because of them. People say that swallows make nests only under the roofs of the good people`s houses. They never stay with the bad people.
I was talking about the autumn. In general it is the saddest season ever, but this summer was so sad for me, that now I feel the comming fall as a relief for the first time in my life. I had 26 autumns so far and lets say that about 20 of them I was aware of and for the very first time I don`t feel sadness and fear of what is comming. I predict It`s something good. Somethind very good. I feel pease in my heart.... and no fear.
P.S. Hope I feel no fear, not because I have become senseless. Hope I feel no fear, because I have hope ( am not sure I have made a literary correct sentence but that is the truth).
събота, 23 август 2008 г.
olympic games*
Usain Bolt - three gold medals, three world records! Alien!
Tirunesh Dibaba- my favourite female athlete! It`s a great pleasure for me to watch her running- very tidy and elegant. The perfect long distance runner!
Steven Hooker- excellent genetic material!!!
* All pictures in this article are downloaded from http://sports.yahoo.com
петък, 22 август 2008 г.
sherpa
Have I ever told you I have the gratest job in the world?What sort of busines can give you the chance to meet someone like him?
By the way I was told if I decide one day to go to Everest to call him... And I was given a busines card.... One of the best proposals I have ever had! Wonderful simple man. He had about 5 missing fingers. I didn`t ask him but I quess they have been damaged by frost.
Fantastic chance to meet this person. Sometimes I feel like Alice in wonderland!
Two minutes later I was cleaning sheets from vomit. It`s the most awful and repellent thing ever!!!And it`s so hard to remove those little pieces of food-once swallowed, a little digested and than thrown up... they are so sticky...
It`s disgusting isn`t it!
понеделник, 18 август 2008 г.
Pure Brown Bulgaria Cup
I`m absolutely happy to notify you that Brown Team had fabulous success at the Bulgaria Cup 2008. We just swept them all away! The competition was very much away from the world standarts for orienteering competitions but anyway- the conditions were equal for all the runners so the fight is a fight no matter the circumstances.We were at the Rodopi Mountains at the region of Smolyan city. Good place but not any better than Veliko Tarnovo. I felt it like that. The forest was good for running- sort of high mountain forest, very clear and perfect for high speed. First two stages I was out of concentration esp the first day. But the third stage was my turn to be number one so total from the three starts I became second in W21-A group. I think this is a good illustration for my condition at the moment. If I was a little better on the technical aspect of the orienteering....
Next year may be. I just need a practice. I`m sure I`m not any stupid than any other women in the Bugarian orienteering at the moment. We`ll see.
I can say that I feel much better than 5 or 6 days ago. Than I reached the bottom. I`ve done it before and I`ve been back on my feet again and probably it will happen many times in my life but... it just hurts so much....
Anyway. I`m happy now. I deserved this joy and I enjoyed it with all my heart!!!
Thank you God! I appreciate it;)
My little angel is a medalist too:):):) I`ve never seen her sooooooo happy!
понеделник, 11 август 2008 г.
събота, 9 август 2008 г.
I cannot believe this is happening to me!!!!!! Just three minutes after I posted my last publication last night I found out that this very person I`m talking about has had an affairs with other girls and the most important is that he has the INTENTION to sleep with one of them on the very next competition we have. And all this information posted, published, and revelated in the orienteering forum that we have.
I`ve never been that demeaned, that angry and that ....... I have no idea how could this be called! Absolute, pure idiot!Don`t know how to comment it. This is like a movie, a novel or... feel like someone will suddenly appear and say: " Hey, don`t worry, it`s over! That was one big joke, ok!"
I know this is not going to happen.
The biggest concern that I have is that probably I will have to quit the orienteering. First of all I`m not sure if I can go to competitions with Kalina, because we don`t have a car and sometimes competitions are too far from any public transport. Everyone else has car or depends on someone who has and that was the situation with me and Kalin. He used to drive us both everywhere. I don`t think there is someone who has two free seats for us.
The second reason is the humiliation. It`s just too big to bare it.
The third reason is that I don`t want to disturb him. He has a behaviour to fallow, to sleep with every cute and horny little bitch he meets, so I don`t want to remind him about our stupid relationship. About the horrible me and the love that I feel.
I will let you know how my life goes on. Now I need a rest.
Hope I am not going to loose my sport! I lied him that I`m interested only by him, but not the sport. I just wanted to impress him. Orienteering is good for me and I love it. One of the very few joys in my life and Kalina`s too.
Anyway I won`t delete the previous publocation! I want everyone to know how much I have been in love with him. And still I am.
I`ve never been that demeaned, that angry and that ....... I have no idea how could this be called! Absolute, pure idiot!Don`t know how to comment it. This is like a movie, a novel or... feel like someone will suddenly appear and say: " Hey, don`t worry, it`s over! That was one big joke, ok!"
I know this is not going to happen.
The biggest concern that I have is that probably I will have to quit the orienteering. First of all I`m not sure if I can go to competitions with Kalina, because we don`t have a car and sometimes competitions are too far from any public transport. Everyone else has car or depends on someone who has and that was the situation with me and Kalin. He used to drive us both everywhere. I don`t think there is someone who has two free seats for us.
The second reason is the humiliation. It`s just too big to bare it.
The third reason is that I don`t want to disturb him. He has a behaviour to fallow, to sleep with every cute and horny little bitch he meets, so I don`t want to remind him about our stupid relationship. About the horrible me and the love that I feel.
I will let you know how my life goes on. Now I need a rest.
Hope I am not going to loose my sport! I lied him that I`m interested only by him, but not the sport. I just wanted to impress him. Orienteering is good for me and I love it. One of the very few joys in my life and Kalina`s too.
Anyway I won`t delete the previous publocation! I want everyone to know how much I have been in love with him. And still I am.
петък, 8 август 2008 г.
MLYAS, MLYAS...
Sometimes I just love myself and the things I do in kitchen! Fabulous crackers! Created and baked by me. ME, ME, ME!!!!!!!I`m not sure if there are more than two or three people on this world who love me, but I surely know that I do love myself. When I hate myself, I cry. That happens almost every week. Sometimes more often. Like the last two months for example.
Doesn`t matter!
I`m gonna be happy I guess. At least that is what I expect to hear from the psychologist I`m going to visit next Wed.
I think the time has come to ask for some professional help. I`m in a horrible condition at the moment and I think that things are going absolutely out of control.
The point is that I feel like I`m perfect. But if I am pefect, than how come I can`t keep a simple man by me?
The last one is doing the impossible to go away from me ( he says "No, it`s not like that!" ) but I know it and I have a sure evidence about that.
The previous one ran straight to his home in Australia claiming I`m a bad, bad person who hates the gays and the asians ( I swear I`m not a rasist or a homophobe). Obviously he cooked up a reason to escape from someone who is deffinately perfect!
The man before the Australian guy, was just not the proper person for me and we didn`t match sexually.
The one before him was Kalina`s father. Let`s say we just couldn`t stand the test of being young parents, friends and lovers. Plus the money issue, of course. The last 6 months of our relationship were a real disaster so I was supposed to say "That is enough!". Something that hurt him a lot I guess, but I wondered if he ever asked himself what made me do it. People just have to try walk in the other`s shoes for a while. The world will be a better place to live than.
The one before Kalina`s father was good. Very good. I have no idea why I left him. He was the one who showed me what extasy is. My first orgasm I felt with him. I swear, I will never ever forget this moment. I hurt him a lot but those were extremely difficult times for me. I cant even remember this period of my life clearly. I`m sorry- if you ever read this. You know who you are.
Hm, probably I am not perfect. I`m surely not, but I know how much love I can give to someone. So much love... you have no idea. It`s burning me from inside. I have to let it out somehow. Unfortunately, there is no receiver of this love and I need someone to extract this poison from me. The love. It may kill me.
And by the way, I need sex. A lot of sex. Every day- to keep me on tune with the world and myself, because I am a real danger even for myself:):):)
Requirements;
1. Potent. Very potent.
2. Good and careful driver. (And lover, as well!)
3. Skilful.
4. Experienced with children.
5. Blue eyes....
Why do I have the feeling I know him?
Ако случайно не разбираш напълно английския ми, но все пак четеш блога ми, да, става въпрос за теб Калине! Сърди ми се, ако искаш, но единствения възможен начин да ме разкараш, е да ми го кажеш направо. Докато не го направиш, ще продължа да те желая и да се стремя към теб! Каквото и да ми коства това.
вторник, 5 август 2008 г.
hiku
"An apple fell from the tree.
The cat ran scared."
That`s just a thaught. You can imagine what my consciousness represents. An universe of bullshits freaking me out. They never stop streaming from my mind. Never- day and night... "he never stops walking"... I can`t remember the book this quote comes from... A book for children. Have to check out tomorrow. Most of my books are in my mom`s room and she sleeps now.
"... he never stops walking
neither day nor night..."
It was about a little boy looking for something. Like me. I have always been looking for something. To make me happy...
There is no wonder I have problems with my relationships. Who would bear this mind that I have? Mind full of bullshits that never gets satisfied.
Another hiku:
"Burning thoughts.
Empty soul.
Sore awareness.
Fear"
I need a surgeon to excise my mind. And to shape a bigger breast on me.
I will be happy than!
I wonder if?
The cat ran scared."
That`s just a thaught. You can imagine what my consciousness represents. An universe of bullshits freaking me out. They never stop streaming from my mind. Never- day and night... "he never stops walking"... I can`t remember the book this quote comes from... A book for children. Have to check out tomorrow. Most of my books are in my mom`s room and she sleeps now.
"... he never stops walking
neither day nor night..."
It was about a little boy looking for something. Like me. I have always been looking for something. To make me happy...
There is no wonder I have problems with my relationships. Who would bear this mind that I have? Mind full of bullshits that never gets satisfied.
Another hiku:
"Burning thoughts.
Empty soul.
Sore awareness.
Fear"
I need a surgeon to excise my mind. And to shape a bigger breast on me.
I will be happy than!
I wonder if?
понеделник, 4 август 2008 г.
a new hope for me and this poor thing
I found this little puppy on my way training! He was shivering and whining all alone on the street. I`m not a dog fan but I just couldnt leave him! Good people helped me to take care and "accommodate" him in a house with a big yard. Hopefully he will survive! I`ll try to show you some more picures later if he is fine! Fine means anything but dead:) He is just too young -probably 2-3 weeks old!I`m kind of fine... I mean I realized something important, because I had serious doubts about the man I`m in love with. First and foremost I surely know that I`m in love after all, because I was getting over the loss of him. I even found a new object for my "everlasting- everstreaming- neverending" love ( I don`t even know him, the second one, just product of my fantasy, of course) but here I am - in love with a real person for... 5 months!
He is not in love, as I mentioned in my previous publication, but he still makes me feel great.I have to give him a lesson if I want to stand on my dignity but I know one thing for sure- this person will keep on freaking me out forever! I guess if he ever stops, that will be an evidense that I don`t love him anymore.
I can count thousands of reasons why I want him and can`t get through him but It`s just too personal. You have no idea how personal it may be;)
Lets say he is like a lovely, wild colt that can never be catched and tamed, but that is not a reason to stop longing for him. He has no idea what I`m getting through because of him!
Man... Bulgarian man...
And one more thing - only a woman in love can offer herself expecting nothing in return. In the songs you can come across this as "no strings attached"- no conditions, no restrictions, nothing... He just has to exist! That is the case with me, my friends, he exists and I adore him. That`s all!
He doesn`t want to commit, I guess. This is the resaon. No chance for me, "no heaven for the lonely"!*
* Bryan Adams
P.S. That is a shame! I have to post a serious publication at last! I`m turning into a chicklit character! Absolutely disgusting!
Абонамент за:
Публикации (Atom)