everything I have ever wanted

Today, the second most important person in my life, made me understand it and I will tell you something about that.

Do you see this picture? Do you see how happy I am? Do you see how happy is everyone else? No! You see tired, ruined and miserable people? Of course, that is exactly how we look like and that is how difficult and impossible is to explain what orienteering means to us! And how happy we are when we go to competition or just meet each other. Every time I try to tell people what we do, why we do it and where we do it I get misunderstood. Because all the things I tell about sound so difficult, so impossible and out of this world that it`s just not possible to be a normal human being and to do it by your own free will. By the way, the people never even get closer to the real idea what exactly the orienteering represents not untill they get into it.

I cant remember exactly how it happened to become orienteer but the one thing I do remember is that it was really, really hard in the beginning- I mean sometimes feels like dying you know. Because I was kind of clumsy, fat and very uncertain kid that made everything twice difficult. Just imagine about 32 degrees outside, somewhere in the opened fields, stones and rocks everywhere; bushes, prickles and thorns knee high; very hilly; you are already devastated, thirsty and scratched all over; a map to read (by the way I`m still learning how to do it!); a compass to follow and on the top of it all you have no idea where you are positioned at the moment, where you are comming from and where you are going to! But you still go yet! And that is the most amazing thing- though all that experience you never give up but keep on going in for competitions where you face a completely different situations and challenges every time. Rain, mud, impenetrable forests, rivers, cliffs, deeper scratches, bigger torns, bruises, sometimes running blood, tears, sweat and snot, fields of nettles, mosquitoes, dogs and other sorts of dangerous plants and animals..... What else? The list is endless and I can say for sure that every runner has his own experience and story to tell!

Why exactly we do it nobody can say. Neither we, nor yet someone else. I thing it is a way to "get out of the matrix" and go straight to another one :) A different world is that. The orienteering I mean and we are it`s people, inhabitants- always tired, sunburnt, covered with scratches and bruises... but happy. Like pigs in a mud you know :) So, so happy!!! Like nobody else! And that`s why I`m happy now like never before. Not even at the times when I was in the orienteering before, because I couldn`t appreciate it like I do now. That`s my world with my background and now I feel with my very heart that I belong to it! There were times when I didn`t knew that and I did my best to leave it all behind and start another life in another world...(see article #1). Probably it has nothing in common with the orienteering. It was just my restless, troubled soul....

I feel happy and completed now and that is everything I want to do. And I want to do it all the time. Like the sex I want to do all the time lately with this fellow who sits next to me on the picture above :) :) :)

See you next time!!!

super massive black holes* and how easy is to get into them

I don`t think there is someone who doesn`t know what I mean with that but I will explain for those who are lucky and don`t fall into depression every second day. I call "supermassive black hole" that state of mind when whatever you think of, makes you feel bad. I always wonder how exactly that happens and what are the particular reasons and finally I got to the conclusion that this is something like an epileptic fit. The doctors point few different reasons leading to that condition- light, emotions, noise, bad food etc. But sometimes when this happens and you try to point the very reason, you see that all this irritating factors come to the front and you can never say exactly what went wrong. I believe that this is what happens to me but on an emotional level. All the reasons that lead to my depressions and blues are everywhere around me, all the time and I just can`t avoid them, can`t fight them and can`t stop them come together. Today I can point them all one by one and trust me, they just happened without surtain reason one after another. I just dont have the power to control them and now there is no wonder, I can hardly help myself not to burst into tears. And whatever I think of, makes me feel bad. Realy bad.

And if you ask me, what is that thing that can help me feel better I wont say anything but "a friend" . Do you know what I mean? A friend. That`s all. And the point is that there is none around me. Today, when all the "reasons" come together. I wish I had an option to create one right now, in human form and shape with all the features that will match to my character. Isn`t it ridiculous- the one thing that will make me feel better is to play.... God. To create a human being the way I see it:) I don`t want much,no! Just to play God for a while! Well, that`s me you know- I`ve been told I always want what is impossible. And I don`t deny it!

Anyway, I`ll be fine. Tomorrow will be very intensive and important day so I have to get ready. All by myself of course! It`s too much to want to have someone by your side. Sometimes I think to myself, that if I pray to win several millions from the lottery is more like to happen, than to find my mate. And deep inside me I predict that one day I`ll be very rich. Rich but lonely. Wouldn`t you cry too if that was your case? Don`t tell me no! I believe you are good people. And yes, the happiness is not in the money my friends, it`s IN the friends:)

Thank you!


p.s. I`m just one "a little stupid, but very, very sensitive person" and I can`t control my emotions. That`s all! I`m a lucky, everyone knows that! Even me, but sometimes I forget it!






* a song from a band called Muse. I sincerely recommend it.

ladybird.entertainment for your clothes....

Yes, its time to represent my illegal "clothes-washing" busines. Officially it`s a laundry service but sometimes I call it "laundry shop" esp when I talk with americans. For bulgarians it`s just "the laundry". Most of my clients in the beginning were foreigners and tourists just because for the lokal it was unthinkable to use this kind of service. "Oooooooo, what will people think about us if we use this public laundry.... What a shame! Just like we dont have washing mashine at home!" Trully, I was surpriced to find out how many families really dont have a washing mashine at home and they wash everything by hand! I think that is a shame! Anyway most of my clients now do have washing mashines at home but they still come to my service because its not enough to have something to use it. Just like its not enough to have an oven to cook a cake, don`t you agree! Washing is not only to put some clothes in the mashine..... Someone has to dry them somehow lately, to fold them and "God forsake!" to iron them. Can you manage with that? I know that you cant, unless you are not a housewife! But who has the luck to be a housewife lately..... These guys just dont want to get married. And thats why they are my clients :)

Another big group of clients, as I mentioned are the tourist! Oh my God how much I love them! I feel like I`ve been on every continent of this world though I`ve never been abroad. North and South America, Europe, Asia, Australia..... As I think now I havent had clients from Africa! Why africans don`t visit Bulgaria? That`s right! Because they dont want to see another hell :)

It`s a joke of course! I dont know! Anyway! The tourists are so cool when they appear on my door all burned by sun, with the heavy backpacks, durty, hungry, thursty, tired... And they say "Can we get our clothes washed, please?" Just like I can say "No, you cant!" I have to say that some of these people are really, really durty! Esp the one who visit just the cheap hostels. I can say for sure that being orienteer I`ve never seen such durty and smelly clothes no matter how long the competition is! Anyway, I love them with all their dirty clothes and the stories they tell me! And the coins I find in the mashines later- I have a huge collection of them!

If I have to be honest I know that I have very , very good job! I mean it`s quite interesting and easy. Of course sometimes it`s boring and really disgusting but hey, bulgarians say: "There is a pleasant job but nobody discovered it yet!" Ha-ha!!!

I have the greatest job ever!!!!!!! And my mom told me 2 days ago that when I have been very young girl my favourite game was.... to pretend I`m washing! And then tell me there is no signs everywhere around us!

kalina

About 3 yrs ago a friend of mine from school asked me:"Are you satisfied now?" I was like:"What are you talking about?" She said "About the child. That was everything you wanted, remember?" "No" - I responded.



When and how, and for what reason I`ve been talking to her that I want to have a child when I was so young - honestly I have no idea. But we both remembered when I took her to the neonatology in the hospital to watch the babies through the window. And she wasn`t the only one that I took there. It appeared that another two friends of mine have been victims of this obsession- to show them the babies. The biggest wonder ever on earth. They wasn`t impressed, I don`t know why, but for me that was the most fantastic thing that can happen to you- to steal a moment like this and catch a glimpse of the beautiful, tiny creatures that made me laugh and cry at the same time.



Anyway! But when you want something you do your best to get it even not always in the knowlege of that. That`s how one way or another in february, 2001 I found out that I`m going to be a mother and nine months later on 27-th of october I actually became one with the cutiest baby I have ever seen! She looked just like me! A little me was born then! Me......



Thats how I breed her now - the way I wish I was bred. I treat her the way I`d like people to treat me. And if one day she claims she `s a happy person that will be the best regard for me no matter what this happiness represents.

That is the very short story of Kalina`s appearance on this world - sort of very romantic and
kind of naive but isn`t it the best way to create a child? With love and desire? Just because you want it?

I believe the answer is very very yes!

kalina`s drawing

in the beginnig

hello

here I am... having no idea what I`m doing atm :)

I`m a complete beginner with this and I feel like the first time you know.I didnt mean to write this in english but my computer just cant type in bulgarian in the net.I have no idea why. And I`m so poor with the computers that when I try to explain what the problem is people just dont believe me:) and laugh at me as well.

Anyway. It will be a good test for my english trying to explain my complicated feelings and thoughts .

Aaaa, let me introduce myself:

- as I already mentioned I`m such a complicated person;very depressive, very shy, very unsecure...... in general I`m the worst company you can ever think of and I guess thats why I dont have many friends.

- I`m 27 now.

- I have a little daughter Kalina. She`s my better version :) very beautiful, very smart, a happy child that I wasn`t. Sometimes I feel like she`s too good to be mine but she is for sure.

- I have graduated in highschool only - dont have any university education or a surtain profession. Thats a problem for me. Or not. It`s someone else`s problem but I `m not going to introduce this person yet.

- How do I make my living? I have a little company owned and ruled by myself. I`m washing people`s dirty clothes, bedding and everything that can be washed in a washing mashine. I love washing.

- My biggest passion is sport. Sport and music. One for my body and one for my soul. In this blog I`m going to write a lot abouth them. Fave sport? It`s orienteering. When I was a teenager that was a big obsession of mine but when I graduated I just left everything that I could leave - school, sport, home, friends..... everything. I think there is just one reason for someone to do it - being miserable. Did I find happiness? Oh, no of course no! But I just had to try! I had to! Honestly I believe that that was just the start of a road that I`m still going and will never end till I`m alive. It`s called life!

- Music..... It`s a huge territory, universe that will never end, never give me up or hurt me. And it`s all mine and free, brought via my very fave i pod. Let me tell you a secret - I used to be in love with Martin L. Gore ;). What do you think? No need to explain.

- Then I fell in love with another person...... he`soooooooooooooo real that it hurts! Very real! I`m not sure if i`m going to comment him or our relationship on this blog but you will know how I feel about him for sure!

- What else? Oh, yes! How come I`m back in orienteering? Long beautiful story but I will tell it later. Let`s say that it started september, 2007. I`m seriously training since march, 2008.

I think that is enough for a good beginning. Good night!