love, madness, devotion

I consider that if you don`t have any of this qualities, feelings or states of mind ( call them whatever you like) you cant do anything good! I do consider myself as mad, devoted and permanently in love in everything I do and maybe that`s the reason I do most things very well! Except one thing- keep myself from being mad, devoted and in love! I`m so, so sorry i`m like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I was just dull and lifeless, inert and apathetic.... I wish I was heartless....... That was my wish when I went to a woman for a therapy! I said " Heal me from my feelings, please!" She said "No! I wont do that! Not because that I can`t, I wont let you to turn into heartless, stony person! People like you are too few lately...."

I don`t want to have this awful ability of mine- to love and to give my heart and soul to everything and everyone I see. I hate that!!!!!!!!!!! It is killing me but I can`t help myself doing it!!!!!!!! Why I can`t just stay away from that, why I`m always giving the most that I have? Why I can`t keep it to myself? Why I always need to give away? The stupid people do it! I know! They cant keep their feelings, their belongings, their words- they always give it!!! Damn it! I don`t belong here! I have always knew that! In a place where it`s a good quality to take but not to give expecting nothing in return I will always be miserable! I just know that! Is it normal for a woman to feel happier when her lover is coming instead of when she comes herself? Is there any other mad people around? Who is that woman that will give her extra money to people who she absolutely doesn`t know instead of some new fancy clothes and shoes and new Lancome lipstik for 64 leva? And a new perfume? I need one so much right now! Do you see why stupid women like my buy things? Because they will always stay with me. They wont heart me and they will serve me. Things that people don`t do....

I don`t think you understand! It`s too complicated for everyone that I know. Except one. But he is another mad. I can`t handle him!

Or maybe you understand?

What do you understand- me or English?