This evening I took a long walk with my mom and Kalina. It was peaceful and relaxing- exactly what I needed after this awful week. It was no good for me and for people who are important for me. I know this is a lesson and I have to analyse it, to make a conclusion and to walk out of this situation much wiser and humble... Do you know what- I just can`t do it anymore. I`m tired to controll myself, my feelings, my thoughts... To work out a better character, to pretend I`m stronger after every problem solved. Sometimes I think that this is just the way leding me to the old age. This difficult life is just wasting me. I can be twice more patient and good and efficient than this- I know that, but I need a little luck, a little happiness, a moment to bring me some joy and hope mostly. I feel absolutely exhausted lately. Emotionally exhausted...
My vacation is comming soon. It will continue 10 days. Tell me is it fair? Whole year suffering for only 10 days vacation! This deal is made between a non-human-being ( God, devil or something else) and someone desperate as Adam, who has lost everything (his home and living) just because his beautiful wife wanted to eat an apple and talk with a snake. Does any of these make sense to you? Do you believe that God never knew it will turn out this way- that Eve will start this whole everlonging chain of sins. If it`s true ( that there is God existing and this story is true as well) it means that he have knew what will happen, long before he have started the creation. I don`t know if I explained everything good enough for you to understand me but let me tell you the truth in one sentense: God has created sinners and he knew that all the way through!!! If he didn`t know that, what kind of god is that? And why we are blamed and punished for being sinners? What is sin after all? To eat apples and talk with snakes ?
I`m a sinner to the bones and I have enough reasons to stay in hell till the rest of the eternity....
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